Thursday, September 22, 2005

Stressed but Blessed...

God, I’m just a smorgasbord of emotions today…  Just a little while ago, we had a huge thunderstorm.  Jevon and I were home alone (Stefan and Mel were out running errands).  Jevon says to me, “Daddy, God is crying.”   My first thought was to give him a big hug and tell him that God is really just “watering his garden.”  But before I could do that, Jevon ran into his bedroom, and returned to the living room and opened the front door.  He pointed his Spongebob Squarepants toy up to the sky and innocently said, “Will this make you feel better, God?”  Tell me that’s not the most precious thing ever!!!  

My album’s at the pressing plant – yay!  With each passing day, I get more excited.  Just so you know, I’m creating a web page devoted entirely to Detrevolution – just like I did with Uncloseted.  More on that later.  Musically speaking, I’ve been dying to get my hands in as many projects as I can – just to keep myself sane.  Because outside of music, my life is fuckin’ crazy…  

Case in point…  Y’all remember the ANT incident on my birthday, right?  Well, as you know, I’ve been battling with THAT demon ever since.  And I was doing quite well, I might add… Just when the memories began to slip from the front of my mind…  BAM.  I meet up with ANOTHER dude, who – yep, you guessed it…  Has been having sex with MEL…  

This particular guy (I’ll call him Choc – part of his screen name) has also been up to Mel’s job, where he was treated to a blowjob.  Mel’s been to his house as well, for the same thing.  Mind you, after ANT’s adventure, Mel ASSURED me that there was no one else besides Ant … and Adam…  Now I find out (ironically, not from Mel) that he’s been with Choc.  Repeatedly.  Again, I felt like I was kicked in the damn stomach…  But I asked Mel to come clean, yet again… And oh boy, did he!  

Let me see…  Thanks to Yahoo!, Mel’s had the pleasure of hooking up with Choc (3 times, he says), Dark Angel – some fatal-attraction shit happened there…  There was Ant..  Adam… And oh yeah.  The guy at the bookstore.  Aside from the bookstore guy (and supposedly Dark Angel), he’s been with all of these guys 3 times…  

As for the Fatal-Attraction stuff??!!  Let me tell u…  This Dark Angel bitch invited Mel over –of course Mel went.  Well, there was much more to THIS session, so I’ve heard.  Not only were they 100% naked in bed together, they were all PASSIONATELY KISSING, touching – basically making love.  WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!  I can’t barely get ANYTHING AT ALL from Mel, and this Internet bitch gets to passionately kiss and love my man?  Baby, Detroit is a BIG city, but a SMALL world…  I’ll cross paths with that bitch someday, and when I do?  OOOH, it will not be pretty.  

Before I continue, I forgot to tell you about Choc.  I actually KNOW Choc from back in the day.  He tried to hit on ME, back when I was a DJ @ Silent Legacy in 1996-97.  He also slept with my man at the time, Eric – God rest his soul.  (and SAVE mine!)  Choc didn’t even know that Mel HAD a man.  Mel kept his game air-tight.  Fucking bastard.  Had ME believing that he was faithful, with NO secrets.  Meanwhile, this bitch is sucking every available dick in Detroit.  Again, I am sickened.  But anyway…  Back to Fatal Attraction…  

Fatal Attraction fell “in love” with Mel; sending him all sorts of “offline” messages like “I wanna be with YOU,” “Please come and see me again sometime,” “I want a relationship.”  From what Mel says, he “cut him off.”  Who knows if I believe that or not…  

I feel like I should have a big sign posted on Mel’s forehead, that says “ATTENTION:  If you encounter the Yahoo! Screen name “dwnriverman,” please know that that’s AC’s MAN you’re being sucked off by!”

I’ll tell you what.  I’ve lost all trust in Mel.  I’ve lost all faith.  I’ve lost all respect.  What I thought was love, was a lie…  Last night, I told this to my best friend Robbie, who said:  “Outside of this, Mel’s a good man, and you know it!”  To which, I replied:  “No, bitch.  Mel’s a good LIAR!  He had me BELIEVING he was a good man…”  Robbie was speechless, but he agreed.  

After arguing, fussing, fighting, cussing…  I’ve asked Mel to leave.

Legally, Mel has 30 days to get the hell out of this house.  I wish he’d go back to California, so I can at least go OUT in Detroit, without hearing another story of someone else sleeping with Mel.  He begged me to “think it over…”  He begged me to “have some hope…”  Hope for what?!  He’s NEVER gonna change – once a dog, always a dog.  He may “change” for a minute – until he gets comfortable again, them BAM!  The shit’s gonna start all over again.  

But here’s a question for myself…  You see, I’ve gotten used to my lifestyle now.  I’ve spent the past 4 years of my life with this man.  FOUR YEARS.  To me, that’s a long time – especially in GAY relationships.  You know gay folks can’t stay together long enough for the ink to dry on the marriage papers…  But anyway…  My question…  Do I STAY with him?  If I stay with him, I’ve truly gotta be 100% okay with the fact that MEL IS A DOG…  I’ve got to be prepared for that.  I can’t walk around feeling hateful all the time…  (I’m feeling Hateful…  because u pissed me off…)  

Or should I just cut my losses, pray for strength and move on without him?  I’m scared.  I admit it.  I’m scared to death.  I love the partnership that we have.  Jevon was ONE YEAR OLD when Mel entered my life.  We’re all Jevon knows!  Stefan (who already has attachment issues) doesn’t deserve another trauma in his life – I PROMISED him that I wouldn’t cause that kind of trauma for him, EVER!  

I’m NOT afraid of the money…  Yes, the money is nice – and since Mel’s not in the music business, his checks are a bit more stable than MINE.  True, I make my money.  But I’d definitely have to either sell TONS MORE records, or go out and get a 9-5 to maintain…  Hell.  I’m a man.  I’m able-bodied.  I can do this.  (Oh no not I…  I will survive!)   What should I do?

I don’t even know if I love Mel anymore…  That’s how I feel.  I love “something…”  I guess I just need some time and space to figure things out.  In the meantime, I’m here.  HE’S here – gottdamn him.  He says he feels remorse – sorry ass muthafucker, of course you do…  You got CAUGHT!  AGAIN!!!!!  But I digress…And go to bed, a fucking MESS…

I’m stressed, but blessed…
Love
AC

7 comments:

Tim said...

This is what it sounds like, when doves cry...

Anonymous said...

OH HELL TO THA NAWWW! Let me drop some tough (but 4real)LOVE on you, boo. Send that bastard packin'. And YES, he's a bastard for all that he's done to you (and the kids). Ummmm....YOU ARE better than THAT. You deserve MORE than that. The point is, YOU have to know believe that, baby. You're settling right now and that's all it is. You need to realize how beautiful, talented, blessed and wonderful YOU. ARE!

Don't nobody need to be taking that shit from anyone. Don't nobody need to be makin' excuses for muthafuckas like that. There's no need for cheatin' in a relationship. Be up front about your shit and call it for what it is and if your partner ain't down with it then be a man and "make a decision." I could understand if yal were "just dating" but that wasn't the case. Now he may love you "in his own special way" but baby that's simply "part-time love with limits!" You need and deserve "a full-time love with BENEFITS!" And nothing less.

This is about Aaron Carls happiness and peace of mind. Later for that nigga-ro. The answer is quite simple. Painful but simple. I've played the "understanding husband to the cheatin' husband role before." You don't wanna be an 'A-Typical Fag' and give up on your man, but he's basically showed you how he feels about your relationship with him over and over again. That means he is UNWORTHY and unappreciative of the love you have to offer. It also shows that he simply can't be trusted. Point blank. Let him go, boo. Cry that shit out for however long you need to but send him on his way. 4 the longer you stay with him the longer you miss out on the man that's supposed to be with you (and believe me he's out there)

Much Love,
T. Fixx

Denny said...

its going to be a heavy choice that needs to be made. What makes it more difficult is that he is someone that your children have been involved with as long as you have, and they have a 'trust' built up. Even though thier relationship is nothing like what you and Mel have, they still have a relationship. You stated yourself that you promised your boys that you wouldn't put them through any more 'drama'...my recommendation would be to stick by your gut feeling. You keep finding out more and more every day information that makes you feel ill. Its like a slap in the face around each corner. Why do that to yourself and to your boys? You ARE strong. You ARE stable. You ARE a MAN! You ARE a CARING AND LOVING DAD! U deserve someone who is going to respect that, and give you back the love (both mental and physical) that both of you need in order to be TOGETHER. I truely think that you will make the best choice for you and your boys, and that you will believe in your choice 100% and will not change your mind once its made up. I'm sure there is someone lurking in the dark that has a crush on you and is like 'fuck, when is that Mel gonna get out the way!' ...you never know until you find out!

My condolences to you, for having to go through what you are. I wish you the best, and that you find someone who will pour as much love back into the relationship that you want as much as you do.

peace,

Denny

Aaron-Carl said...

Sitting here, reading the comments from my friends (thank u) about yesterday’s revelation… It hit me. The drama I’m going thru sounds like fiction. It sounds like a movie I would cry when I watch – because things like this couldn’t possibly happen to a REAL person…

But it’s happening to me. My security is gone. My trust in him is gone. My belief in true love… Gone. The faith that I’ll ever have someone in my life who appreciates and loves me the way I deserve to be loved… Shattered like glass.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do, y’all. I seriously don’t know what I’m gonna do.

Wendy & Lisa said it best, in their song, This is the Life:

“This is the life… Everyone has to be somewhere. I am here…
I scream when I breathe… Fearing that worry will trigger all my fears…
…And it only gets harder.”

This is the life… This is the life… Damn. This is my life…

Anonymous said...

Aww, see. U done went "wendy & lisa" on me. DAMMIT! Now i'm finna start cryin'. All Lifetime Movie of the week, style. But before all of that. I know you promised your kids no more drama like Mary J. Then don't have none. Send big daddy on his way and do whatever you need to do to soften the blow for the kids and DO NOT allow anyone else back into their lives until that person has truly earned that right. If you can't trust a muthafucka, how can they? Know what i'm sayin? Next, don't give up on Love cuz it hasn't given up on you. Just don't give all of your love to just any ole Tom, Dick or Mel. Dudes have to EARN your love, trust and respect. It's time to step up your game, baby. Your security and stregnth ain't gone either, chyyyyle you had it all along.

**hold on while I go Lena Horne "believe in yourself" on ya!**

Now he might have had the steady paycheck but I do believe you were the one taking care of him, the house and the kids. You kept the relationship a float, for how long? This is the part in Desperate Housewives where I start yelling, "Bitch! Fuck that muthafucka. That plumber is across the street and he is fine and he is in love wit'chu!" LOL.

And before I get off the soapbox, know that you already have the perfect man in your life. 2 of them infact. They love you unconditionally and I bet they'll stand beside you through thick and thin. They have already proven themselves worthy of you and will continue to do so. They trust you, blindly and will do WHATEVER it is you need them to do and vice versa.

So if you can't find a grown ass man to put more than what the two of them are putting on the table then you don't need him.

Booming said...

I personally think, that cheating is kinda the worst thang you can do to your partner!!! I also think that it always depends on the way you´re cheating on your partner and how often, but even after 5 times it still hurts the same and knocks you out. Usually there is no need for cheating in a good and functional relationship and here we go...

...Aaron, maybe you should seriously think about the relationship with Mel!?

Anyway, I give you a big hug and you know that I am always there for you!

Laurent Chambon said...

Well, call me a french pervert but i think it's not that easy. Sex is very important (i should know!) and lying isn't good in a relationship (i won't even go there) but there are other forms of partneship. Not only about money, but also about family and helping each other reaching what you both want to reach.
I also think you need to think about the kids. Maybe some arrangement so they can see both their daddies. At home together or somewhere else.
Of course at the end it's entirely up to both of you. And as a friend I'll be suportive, whatever decision you make!
Bisous d'Amsterdam