Hospital Room

Today will mark my 6th day in the hospital. What started
as a "pimple" that I busted, turned into an entire swollen
abcess. I went to the emergency room last Thursday, after
I couldn't sit, stand OR walk because I was so swollen.
The swelling increased once I got here -- first the right
side, then the left side, until the ENTIRE groin region of
my body had swollen up like a grapefruit. Sounds gross?
Trust me, it IS gross. ..and of all the places for it to
occur! (I took pictures, but I'll spare you.)

I finally had surgery on Sunday, where they made two
incisions (you know where) to let the abcess drain. Mind
you, this is the first surgery I've ever had to have in my
LIFE! (When I do things, I do them big, I guess... no pun
intended) Anyway, I just discovered that I could use my
laptop here in the hospital, so here I am, typing to you
from my hospital bed.

Right now, I'm feeling okay... I'm not in much pain but
I'm still rather swollen. I'm sure it's because of the
surgery, but I'm gonna also ask about that. Pain and I
don't get along. They kept me pretty calm, sometimes
sedated... OMG, I even had a Spinal tap right before
surgery. Baby, I couldn't feel my legs -- or anything else
at all! I'll gladly spare you the other details... Trust
me, y'all do NOT wanna know. LOL!

Remember that wake-up call that I said I needed to kick
myself into shape? Well, this would be it. I have
officially been kicked.

My abcess got pretty infected, so the doctors had me on 3
antibiotics that I take through an IV tube. As of today,
I'm off of TWO of the antibiotics. The other one, the
doctor's waiting for my test results (culture) to come
back, and he'll tell me whether or not I can start taking
my antibiotics by mouth. If so, I can go HOME!!! Either
today or tomorrow, we should know for sure. I'm getting so
damn restless, sitting up here in this damn bed all day!
However, I DID have some wonderful folks who came to see
me.... BJ (Posatronix), Timika (Cratesavers), Sheralyn
(Ms. Love, thank you!!!), my lovely litter sister MELVA,
JULIAN (DJ Nasty, my bestest friend), DANA (my bestest
BESTEST friend forever)and Norman, my Aunt Michelle (who
looked so fabulous), and of course, where would I be
without the complete and total support of MEL
(WINMILL)!!??!!

Day after day, no matter what the weather was... I
appreciated your presence more than you might ever know.
For my first REAL time in the hospital, I can truly say
that I felt LOVED!

I didn't forget about the folks who called me, especially
after calling my mobile phone and hearing the messge I left
for y'all.. So again, I thank you. It seems I'm ALWAYS
thanking somebody for SOMETHING lately... Guess it just
means the blessings are flowing.

Well, it's 7 a.m. right now. I should try and get some
sleep. It was hard sleeping through the night, being in a
strange bed, etc. But I'll log on later and check my
messages.

Talk 2 y'all soon...
Love Always,

AC

Courage

So I've figured out that along with age and experience, comes courage and strength. While my birthday party (Aug 19) was very nice, I admit I was a little disappointed at the people who did NOT show up. NO, I shouldn't focus on the bad stuff... And after I write it out here, I won't. But y'all know me... If I keep my feelings bottled up inside, I'll go crazy.

Speaking of crazy, you know who I expected to walk thru my door and surprise me? Yep, you guessed it... T*dd. We haven't spoken to each other since our public "falling out." I hear things in the streets though. I know he's still pretty pissed off about what happened between us. Well, shit. I've tried on MANY occassions to man up and apologize for my part in all of this. I even went so far as to make a VERY PUBLIC apology to him. Did he respond? Nope. And I remember him complaining once that I never bothered to call him directly to apologize -- well, I've done THAT a few times as well... I've left text messages, I've sent e-mails... Nothing. But I kept holding on, I guess. I held onto the hope that all of this would blow over. I even put a picture of us on my myspace page with a caption that said, "It wasn't always bad... I miss him and our friendship..." No response. So, because I cannot wallow around in sorrow forever, I've done one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Today, I let him go. I'm sure this means nothing to anyone but MYSELF, but trust me... I couldn't just walk away like that. I held on for dear life. He cut the strings and left me for dead. I went through my stages of depression, my anger, my guilt. I hoped for the light @ the end of the tunnel, y'all... I really did. And I know that he's a stubborn man. I "knew" he'd have to calm down on his own, before he realized just how much was destroyed. I just hoped he'd come back. And then I realized, he's not coming back. It's really the end. Kiss... I love you... I always have... Goodbye.

Thus my courage... The courage to finally accept what I cannot change. Yes, I know the old "serenity" poem. But even moreso, I lean on the words of Sinead o' Conner. ..."The whole time I'd never seen, all I needed was inside me... Now I feel so different..."

I'll write more soon.
AC