So I've figured out that along with age and experience, comes courage and strength. While my birthday party (Aug 19) was very nice, I admit I was a little disappointed at the people who did NOT show up. NO, I shouldn't focus on the bad stuff... And after I write it out here, I won't. But y'all know me... If I keep my feelings bottled up inside, I'll go crazy.
Speaking of crazy, you know who I expected to walk thru my door and surprise me? Yep, you guessed it... T*dd. We haven't spoken to each other since our public "falling out." I hear things in the streets though. I know he's still pretty pissed off about what happened between us. Well, shit. I've tried on MANY occassions to man up and apologize for my part in all of this. I even went so far as to make a VERY PUBLIC apology to him. Did he respond? Nope. And I remember him complaining once that I never bothered to call him directly to apologize -- well, I've done THAT a few times as well... I've left text messages, I've sent e-mails... Nothing. But I kept holding on, I guess. I held onto the hope that all of this would blow over. I even put a picture of us on my myspace page with a caption that said, "It wasn't always bad... I miss him and our friendship..." No response. So, because I cannot wallow around in sorrow forever, I've done one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Today, I let him go. I'm sure this means nothing to anyone but MYSELF, but trust me... I couldn't just walk away like that. I held on for dear life. He cut the strings and left me for dead. I went through my stages of depression, my anger, my guilt. I hoped for the light @ the end of the tunnel, y'all... I really did. And I know that he's a stubborn man. I "knew" he'd have to calm down on his own, before he realized just how much was destroyed. I just hoped he'd come back. And then I realized, he's not coming back. It's really the end. Kiss... I love you... I always have... Goodbye.
Thus my courage... The courage to finally accept what I cannot change. Yes, I know the old "serenity" poem. But even moreso, I lean on the words of Sinead o' Conner. ..."The whole time I'd never seen, all I needed was inside me... Now I feel so different..."
I'll write more soon.