Wednesday, November 19, 2008

It's Over Now...

I caught him in another lie. The phone number in his cell phone wasn't the "wrong number" after all... It was somebody else he was seeing. He'd been seeing this other person for a while. While he claims they were "just friends," he admitted to a number of sexual encounters with this other person... All the while, I'm at home alone... Wondering, asking "WHY isn't he making love with ME?"

This isn't the first time he's been caught. For years, I've lived in denial. I was scared of losing him, after being with him for so long. In the meantime, I was suffering. Each time I caught him, he apologized. He promised never to do it again. And because of whatever reason you can name -- fear, lack of self respect, stupidity, or just my undying belief that maybe "this time" he REALLY HAS CHANGED... I stayed by his side. All was forgiven. Business as usual. Only inside, did I cry.

Through the years, I've sometimes turned to others for validation. I found myself undesirable, unattractive... All the while, he's telling me how wonderful I am. How beautiful, how strong, how talented I am... Yet he wouldn't touch me. He didn't want me. He used every excuse in the book -- his age, his level of stress, our "separate" lives, my career... Yet he seemed to always find time to fulfill HIS wishes -- with others. If he wanted affection, he didn't seek it from ME. He sought it from others, just because he COULD.

I'd ask him, he'd deny it. He had me convinced (again) that I was wrong.

Well, today I finally got the truth. In his own words, by his own admission, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too... He's admitted to messing up his other relationships in the past for the same reason. ...but what PISSED ME OFF, was this: He apologized. Why apologize?! If I would've never caught you, you would've never confessed! We'd still be living our normal life -- I'd do without, while you were out in the world, getting your fill.

Apology not accepted... No, not this time. I loved you more than anyone else I've ever been with. Over the (nearly) 8 years we've been together, we've gone through so much. There will ALWAYS be love for you in my heart. I can NEVER erase you from my mind. I grew into my adulthood with YOU. I've raised my children with YOU. I even watched you carry my mother's casket at her funeral. There's SO MANY memories that we have. SO many obstacles we've faced together. So many mountains we've climbed. In spite of your wandering ways, I've managed to STAY BY YOUR SIDE.

Even now, I don't hate you. As always, I love you STRONG... But now, it's time for me to love MYSELF. I won't leave you high and dry. I won't kick you out of our home. But just know this: As a couple, we are finished. We may even wind up being friends, but as a couple, we are DONE.

When the smoke clears, you and I can sit down and discuss things like adults. So much of our lives are intertwined. We can decide THEN who gets what, who stays where, etc... Right now is not the time. Understand that it is YOU who made the choice. When you chose to deprive me of the love and respect I deserve, and chose to have OTHERS do what I'M supposed to be doing -- you made the choice. I've forgiven you for the others... I even forgive you for THIS one. ...But I'd do myself NO GOOD if I let this cycle continue...