Wednesday, June 28, 2006

That Feeling...

As Chante’ Moore sings in the background, “who’s gonna love me…  Will you?”  I feel her words.  That’s the question I seem to have been asking all my life…  Mel left today.  And I’m not talking about storming out in an argument…  I mean, he literally packed up his shit and LEFT.  No more riding the fence.  No more wondering “should I leave him and move on?”  He’s gone.  I’m free.  100%, bona fide, FREE…

… and I don’t know how I feel about that.  

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not talking about MEL at all!  I know for a fact that he doesn’t deserve me.  And Lord knows that I deserve someone who will love me THE WAY I NEED TO BE LOVED…  Now, where the fuck IS he?

I’m so afraid to start over.  Well, I take that back.  I’m not AFRAID…  I’m TIRED of starting over – but given yesterday’s “scare,” I guess I’m glad I’m still alive to be ABLE to start over!  LOL…  

I LOVE being in love…  I LOVE being held in someone’s arms.  I LOVE being kissed…  I LOVE “that feeling…”  Y’all know what I mean.  THAT feeling…  The feeling you get when he looks at you that certain way…  That INNER GLOW.  Mel and I lost that a LONG LONG LONG time ago, which is why I’m not really mourning that loss.  I’m just accepting the reality that he IS now truly gone…  And while I’m not expecting someone else to just come in and take his place, I admit…  I want a boyfriend.  I want all the benefits of having a boyfriend…  I want that special someone, to make ME feel special too.  

Fuck it…  I’m just gonna put it out there.  Special one, wherever you are, I’m HERE…  

Good night y’all…  I’m hungry and tired, but I just had to get this off my chest…


Monday, June 26, 2006

I'm Still Here...

To Whom It May Concern:

While I have gone through some unfortunate and crazy circumstances these past few days, I am not dead.  Early this morning (at around 5:30 a.m.), after ending my 5-year relationship (those who know me, know why…), I got into a car accident.  Fortunately, my car suffered more than I did.  Because of this accident, coupled with the fact that nobody could reach me, my friends assumed the worst…

After dealing with insurance companies, etc. for most of the day, I returned to my home to find people engaged in what I called “the funeral party.”  One of my best friends (a total drama queen) had logged into my Messenger accounts earlier today (my passwords were saved) and proceeded to tell the people on my list that I’d been killed in the accident.

Of course, I didn’t discover this until HOURS later when I got home, checked my e-mails and received a number of CONDOLENCES!!!  The message had already spread like wildfire, and while I’m touched by the number of people who showed concern, I’m a bit freaked out because I’m looking at MY name next to “Rest in Peace.”  Long story short, I’m a little bruised, a bit shaken up, but I’m alive.  

I don’t know exactly how to react to all of this, but I will say, since it’s at the front of my mind:  To those who expressed love, respect and concern for me while I was “dead,” please continue to express these same feelings while I’m still ALIVE.  (As my mother used to say when SHE was alive, “love me while I’m HERE!”)

On behalf of my drama queen best friend, I apologize for the misinformation…  I’m still here, and I’m so thankful things didn’t end up “the OTHER way…”

Alive and grateful,

Thursday, June 15, 2006


I lie awake tonight;
hands waiting to be held,
shoulders begging to be massaged,
a body, longing to be close.

I lay awake tonight,
hoping tomorrow changes your mind,
and you finally notice...
I'm waiting for you.
The days keep going by
and I'm here waiting for you.
One day, you said...
You'll come to me.
One day..

But tonight, awake I lie,
holding onto the scent of you;
the desire burning within me
as we hugged goodbye...

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

For Your Ears Only

Well, I told you I'd let you hear some of what I was doing, didn't I? Alright, here goes...

1. Beautiful (unreleased as of now, but possibly for a new AC album?)
2. Betta Not (also unreleased -- can u believe I wrote and recorded BOTH these songs in the same day?!)
3. Detsitti Theme Song (1 of a couple versions -- there's also a House mix, which I adore -- but this one should be the one they use in their advertising...)
4. ICAN - Tribute to Cesar Chavez (AC Mix) (coming out this summer...)

Feel free to comment and such...

Sunday, June 11, 2006

the plan...

I’m sitting at my computer, wondering what to write about first…  There’s been so much happening lately, I don’t know where to start.  I’ll start with yesterday…  Santiago (S2) and the gang came over to my house for dinner – it was very nice.  MMMM, I made my lovely pan-fried chicken, skin-on mashed potatoes (which are LOVELY, by the way), macaroni salad…  And the big finale:  My infamous, award-winning banana pudding.  MMMMMM!!!  But the highlight of the night?  Just being able to entertain people at my house…  It felt good.  

Terry Christopher and I got into a little fight, which is another reason why I’m not going to NYC tomorrow for the Outmusic Awards.  Yes, I’m nominated.  No, I’m not going.  Since I start shooting the scenes for the movie (which is now called “UNCUT”) tomorrow, I guess it’s alright.  But gottdamn that Terry…  Out of the 4 remixes I had to do for him, I only completed 2 of them.  I promised him 1 remix per week – but he took so long to approve (can you believe he actually had to “approve” them first?) the first mix, there was no way I could finish all 4 of them by his deadline.  Well, so far I’ve gotten paid for ONE of the remixes.  After he tried to call me (and I wasn’t home), he left me the rudest e-mail imaginable.  He basically accused me of lying and making excuses (for why I couldn’t finish 2 mixes from scratch in 2 days) and he told me I was “finished.”  While he also said he’d send me a check for my second remix, I have yet to see it.  Had he sent me my money, I would’ve bought my ticket to NYC and attended the ceremony anyway – the movie could’ve waited until I got home, as I feel like I actually have a good chance of being this year’s Outmusician.  But noooooo…  Terry wouldn’t even answer my e-mails.  He whined like a bitch in HIS email, but totally ignored my response.  (oooh, what a diva… had to have the last word… LOL)  Granted, I could care less if he’s pissed at me.  But don’t fucking play with my money now…  He KNEW I was waiting on this check to buy my ticket to NYC.  He probably held out on purpose, just so I could miss the ceremony.  If I see a check on Monday, my suspicions will be confirmed.  

Speaking of money, OOOH… I bought myself an IRiver…  I LOVE this little machine!  Not only can I record all of my DJ sets without a computer, I can also record automatic voice MP3s…. I can watch movies (don’t ask), and basically use it as a hard drive as well.  It’s so much better than the Ipod.  Fuck the pod.  Gimme the RIVER!  LOL…  

Today, we also looked at (what is soon to be) our second house…  Nestled deep in Detroit, right near the neighborhood I first grew up in…  A HUGE 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom house.  This place was so big, I swear it had 4 levels.  Walking through it today, I thought I would get LOST.  I’ll have to take pictures of it, but I’ll wait until AFTER they say “the house is yours!!!”  We’ll have to update the house and all – but hey…  Once all the work is done, the house will be more like a palace.  I’ll probably rent it out, just because I absolutely LOVE the house I live in right now…  But lord, if I ever need to just “get away,” that second house would be like a mini-vacation…  I’ll pray about it.  That house has so much potential, I hope that everything works out.  Wish me luck?

Well, I guess I should be going to bed.  I start shooting that movie in exactly 9 hours from now.  I don’t wanna look TIRED on the screen…  And I don’t even know what to wear…  Shame, shame, shame…

Oh yeah…  the next time I post, I’m gonna tease y’all.  I will put some of the new songs I’ve been working on and remixing (both mine and others), just so you know I haven’t been slacking in the studio!  (  (Brother’s got a plan!)

Love on u…