Wednesday, November 19, 2008

It's Over Now...

I caught him in another lie. The phone number in his cell phone wasn't the "wrong number" after all... It was somebody else he was seeing. He'd been seeing this other person for a while. While he claims they were "just friends," he admitted to a number of sexual encounters with this other person... All the while, I'm at home alone... Wondering, asking "WHY isn't he making love with ME?"

This isn't the first time he's been caught. For years, I've lived in denial. I was scared of losing him, after being with him for so long. In the meantime, I was suffering. Each time I caught him, he apologized. He promised never to do it again. And because of whatever reason you can name -- fear, lack of self respect, stupidity, or just my undying belief that maybe "this time" he REALLY HAS CHANGED... I stayed by his side. All was forgiven. Business as usual. Only inside, did I cry.

Through the years, I've sometimes turned to others for validation. I found myself undesirable, unattractive... All the while, he's telling me how wonderful I am. How beautiful, how strong, how talented I am... Yet he wouldn't touch me. He didn't want me. He used every excuse in the book -- his age, his level of stress, our "separate" lives, my career... Yet he seemed to always find time to fulfill HIS wishes -- with others. If he wanted affection, he didn't seek it from ME. He sought it from others, just because he COULD.

I'd ask him, he'd deny it. He had me convinced (again) that I was wrong.

Well, today I finally got the truth. In his own words, by his own admission, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too... He's admitted to messing up his other relationships in the past for the same reason. ...but what PISSED ME OFF, was this: He apologized. Why apologize?! If I would've never caught you, you would've never confessed! We'd still be living our normal life -- I'd do without, while you were out in the world, getting your fill.

Apology not accepted... No, not this time. I loved you more than anyone else I've ever been with. Over the (nearly) 8 years we've been together, we've gone through so much. There will ALWAYS be love for you in my heart. I can NEVER erase you from my mind. I grew into my adulthood with YOU. I've raised my children with YOU. I even watched you carry my mother's casket at her funeral. There's SO MANY memories that we have. SO many obstacles we've faced together. So many mountains we've climbed. In spite of your wandering ways, I've managed to STAY BY YOUR SIDE.

Even now, I don't hate you. As always, I love you STRONG... But now, it's time for me to love MYSELF. I won't leave you high and dry. I won't kick you out of our home. But just know this: As a couple, we are finished. We may even wind up being friends, but as a couple, we are DONE.

When the smoke clears, you and I can sit down and discuss things like adults. So much of our lives are intertwined. We can decide THEN who gets what, who stays where, etc... Right now is not the time. Understand that it is YOU who made the choice. When you chose to deprive me of the love and respect I deserve, and chose to have OTHERS do what I'M supposed to be doing -- you made the choice. I've forgiven you for the others... I even forgive you for THIS one. ...But I'd do myself NO GOOD if I let this cycle continue...

8 comments:

augustus said...

Aww AC. You know what? Your waaaaay better than all of this drama. Fuck this. You have no time for all this anyways. So get back in the studio and make some more sweet jams for us. :)

josh.f13 said...

I'm sorry to hear. I wish you the best of luck when it comes to the final outcome.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to hear that aaron...call me later. I'm at work right now. I was wondering why you didnt get back at me yesterday. Stay strong mister.

Todd

technochick said...

Hey Aaron, give me a call later tonight. I am off work Friday and Monday. Stay strong and know that we love you!!!

Anonymous said...

Hey,

Hey my Diva Twin you will survive because God made you strong and loving.. You have so much self worth and skills that anyone would love to have you.. Hell if we were not so much alike I would chase you down...Smile.. Well I am here if you need your twin to hug and just talk.

Anna Calhoun said...

I know we don't get to see each other a lot, but that doesn't change the fact that I care. I am sorry to hear that you have been hurt this way, not just once but multiple times. I have been there myself. I am glad to see you have stood up for yourself and will not tolerate it any longer. That is the first step to the recovery you need and the strength I know is within you. If you need anything, even if it is just someone to talk to, we are not that far away, you have but to ask.
Love,
Anna & Jerry

Anonymous said...

Your heart is strong and your mind is valid with a strong response. I know what you and Mel have been through....i've personally seen what you two have been through....i think what you are doing for youself is to better your esteem, to mold yourself into believing that you ARE your own person and you CAN do without all the lies and "behind the back". And i believe IN you that you CAN do it AC.....yes you can....God has put that power in you....and is time you use it to YOUR advantage. There are people out here even as i say this that still love you....still care about you greatly Aaron...that can help you through this.....brotha help yourself to a new world fullfilled with that kinda of love....im sure most of everyone we both know together would say the same....and maybe others' perspectives are different....but decided for YOURSELF what you NEED to do this time...like you said....its time you start LOVING yourself!! Cuz i do....and all who knows you does as well! you can believe me.

Your love always,
Charles Alex Kemp

Anonymous said...

Aaron, nothing in this life is "free", everything happens for a reason. You're gonna meet someone even better, only then you're gonna realize this :)

Much love and respect from Buenos Aires, Argentina

Nacho Menendez