Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Fight

Depression is real... I say this to you because I feel it creeping up on me. As I said in my earlier status update, I cannot let this take over me. Not today. I REFUSE to succumb to this stifling madness.

I'm fighting, my friend... I'm fighting. I'm gonna get up and do something completely DIFFERENT from the routine. Maybe I'll take a walk thru my neighborhood. You know, I've been here TWO YEARS already, and have NEVER taken a walk thru my own neighborhood?

I don't know what's wrong... You'd think I'd be satisfied after what happened last night -- I did something I've NEVER done before... Karaoke!!! (I sang "Super Freak" by Rick James.) It was awesome, and I received a standing ovation -- the cute bald guy even bowed down to me, how funny! But I felt bad. I felt bad because I couldn't even dance an entire song without sitting down -- and it was the simplest dance on earth: The Chimp Shuffle. (Y'all know what I'm talking about...)

I felt it as I was driving home last night... It was like "oh God, I'm coming home..." And I did the same thing I ALWAYS do. I walked in, went straight to my bedroom, sat on this same ol' bed, get on the computer, and stayed here until I got tired. Then I laid down, went to sleep, woke up "just to do it all over again..."

But no. HELL NO. I refuse to go out like that. I remember my mother, who basically lived in her room. Her bedroom was her sanctuary, it seemed. When she came home from work, she walked in, went directly up to her room, and stayed there until the next day. Sometimes she'd cook. Sometimes she'd hang out. But for the most part, she stayed in her room listening to music, watching TV, and just living in her own world.

She ultimately died in her room... And now that I look back on it, I wonder if that will someday be me. I'm scared. I know she felt what I am feeling right now. You see, I know what it feels like to smile -- and have such a beautiful, captivating smile -- only to mask the loneliness and hurt inside. I know what it feels like to listen to the world around me -- the chaos and confusion from the kids -- and wish I was somewhere else... My mother used to say all the time, "All I want is peace in my house." I catch myself saying the same thing... All I want is PEACE in MY house...

Sometimes I just want to run the fuck away. Sometimes I DO leave my house and get myself a hotel room, just to relax. Just to get away from it all... I'll sit on the bed, alone with my thoughts, and just do NOTHING AT ALL -- and it feels so good. Then I remember... My mother used to do that. I remember being so naive and asking her before, "You've got your own house... Why are YOU leaving?" Now I understand why.

I know what it's like to feel so emotionally drained, you don't want do anything except sleep. Those who know me well, know all the drama I've had to endure with my teenage son, Stefan. I was so depressed at one point, I just let myself go. I wouldn't cut my hair, barely got dressed, didn't care what I looked like, etc. In my mind, I was like "what's the point?" Nobody's gonna notice anyway. ...and sure enough, nobody noticed. The cycle continued until now...

Now, I'm starting to exercise my strengths again. I can see myself becoming successful -- and actually FEELING successful... But it's still a very hard battle to fight -- and I have tons of odds against me. I won't give up, because I remember how I USED to be. I'm still alive, and I don't want to take that for granted.

I look at myself today, and sometimes I want to cry. I look at this body and think, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU? All my life, I've been thin. I was a damn good dancer. Fast forward to today, and my big ass can't even do the Chimp Shuffle without sitting down? What?! I used to win TALENT SHOWS for dancing. This cannot be me!

I used to walk EVERYWHERE... to the bus stop.. to the store... whatever. Now I'm confined to this bedroom, like it's a prison. People can say "oh, just exercise..." It's not that easy. When you get winded just from walking up a flight of stairs, it's hard as hell to run laps around a track. And if I told you how much weight I have to lose, just to get back down to where I was before, YOU'D faint. It's depressing... I've literally broken CHAIRS just by sitting down in them. It's hard to shop for clothes when your shirt size is a fucking 5XL. And as attractive as I used to be, it KILLS me to think that today, I only appeal to "chasers." I've never felt so gottdamn lonely...

But I say all of this to say, I'm still alive. Thank God. I still have an opportunity to change my life. I don't know HOW I'm gonna do it. God, I leave for Europe in 4 days. I'll put on my game face. I'll walk my ass through these International airports, no matter how winded I get. I'll get on stage, do my thing, and be the FABULOUS MOTHERFUCKING AARON-CARL that I KNOW I am... I'll work the crowds into a frenzy, and give them everything I've got. They'll LOVE me -- for that moment in time... They'll REMEMBER me for a long time after I leave... I KNOW THIS!!!

And because I KNOW this, I cannot let depression get the best of me today. I wish somebody would come over to my house right now, pull me OUT of this room, and just FORCE me to get out of this funk. But no one's gonna do that. So, as with everything else in life, I have to be self sufficient. I've got to be my own knight in shining armor.

It's like that song by Queen, "Don't Try Suicide." One line I've always remembered from that record:
"Nobody gives a damn..."

Get up, AC. Snap out of this... You can do it. Come on, bitch. You're BETTER than this!

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