WTF Moment...

It’s 5 o’clock in the damn morning.  I haven’t been to sleep.  I’m sad.  I miss my mother.  I miss her so much.  I’m lonely.  I wish I could just crawl into bed, lie in someone’s arms and cry.  I wish life wasn’t so short or fragile.  I’m scared.  I wonder when it’s my turn to die.  How many years do I have left on this earth?  What will I feel when it’s finally my time?  Will I even KNOW if I’m dead?  What is my life for?

Right now, I feel so inadequate.  I feel unlovable because I’m overweight.  I feel like an old, tired weak soul.  Like a salmon who’s just finished swimming upstream; I’m tired.  All these years of being mocked!  All these years of fighting for acceptance!  I feel worthless, like I don’t count.  I’m good enough to laugh at, but not good enough to love?  Do I not deserve love?  

It’s now 5:20.  The kids wake up in almost 2 hours to get ready for school.  Jevon still hasn’t done his homework, so I’ll have to supervise him before he leaves.  I’m so tired; I want to sleep.  I’m scared to sleep because if I do, I won’t wake up in time to see them off to school.  I guess I’ll just wait until 8 a.m., when everyone is gone.  I’ll leave Reno (my dog) to fend for herself in the house, and then I’ll go to bed.  I’m not answering my door.  I’m not answering my phone.  I’ll wake up hopefully in time to pick the kids up from school, but then I would’ve wasted my entire day.  No business will be taken care of.  Damn.  

What the hell made me stay up all night?  Chilling with my friends, boosting THEIR ego.  Spending time with them, hoping it would fill this void that I have within me.  I want to be loved.  I certainly won’t get love by hanging around with these half-ignorant straight motherfuckers all day.  Don’t get me wrong, gay people are no better.  However, I get sick of being the butt of all these “gay” jokes.  I hate that I have to explain to these stupid idiots that there is nothing WRONG with me, simply because I’m attracted to men.  These same dumb asses see NOTHING WRONG with two women being together.  

This Saturday, someone’s throwing a party called (and I quote) “WET PUSSY ON A SATURDAY NIGHT!”  I am SO not going to pay $20 to get into a party where I will be shunned, hated, and made to feel like an oddball for not enjoying “wet pussy.”  I hear that the next party will be called “BALLS ON YOUR CHIN.”  But I doubt that will fly well with stupid straight people – they can’t imagine or visualize something so “grotesque” as balls on anything – except wet pussy, of course.  

But I digress.  I could explain my point all day long, but in the end, who really cares?  In fact, I’m looking at the words I just typed, and I’m shaking my head at myself.  Why the hell am I even WRITING this?  And furthermore, why would I bother posting this in a blog?  Well, because of the simple reason:  I HAVE FEELINGS.  I cannot be strong all the time.  I cannot smile 24/7.  I cry.  I hurt.  And sometimes, I just need to let that shit OUT.

I can’t believe I’m even afraid to post this on my MySpace blog, in fear that it will clash with the many comments I’ve received.  “Good music, AC.  Keep it up!”  I feel like I’m supposed to keep up some damn image, in order to sell records.  If I’m “real,” it will alienate my fans.  FUCK THAT!  Y’all know my records.  You’ve heard my productions.  Now, if Madonna can post her gottdamn toilet habits on HER blog, then damnit, I can post my true feelings on mine.  

Well, it’s near 6 a.m.  I guess I should end this blog for now.  Hopefully soon, I’ll feel better.  

AC