Thursday, June 07, 2007

Like an Adult

...So I just received a threatening telephone call from Todd, who says"You better watch your back," in regards to my recent blog. Mind you, he didn't say it directly to me. He said to Mel, who answered the phone. When Mel relayed the message to me, my FIRST reaction was to call him back and curse... But like an adult, I didn't. I kept my cool. Not 5 minutes later, I get a phone call from Erick (E. Dubb). Todd also called and left a message on his (father's) cell phone... "I don't know who to call, but I'm a bit worried about Erick -- he's smoking crack or whatever!" Erick was devastated when he called me... I had to remind Erick of some things, and it is for THIS reason I'm writing this blog... Because THIS is a testament. God is good all the time, let me first say... I repeat. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME. And it is BECAUSE of GOD that I am able to understand and acknowledge this situation for what it is...

I deleted the last part of my blog (in which I described the demise of Todd's and my friendship). I didn't delete it because of Todd's threatening phone call. I am in NO WAY, SHAPE or FORM afraid of him. My blog was in no way malicious or slanderous. I spoke the truth -- and not just from MY side of the story... I stepped outside of myself and spoke the ACTUAL truth. Everybody knows there's two sides to every story. I pride myself in not being dumb enough to tell a one-sided story. Our friendship ended over something stupid, yes... But we were BOTH at fault. I acted pretty childish at times during our friendship. So did he. And unfortunately, that childishness ended what I thought was an unbreakable bond.

But I said it earlier, and I'm saying it now. I'm not going out of my way to be his enemy. I don't tarnish his name in the streets. When he left Wallshaker, he left. Okay... I've moved on. So to get a phone call like the one I received this afternoon, it only tells me that TODD is the one with the problem.

I just spoke to Erick on the phone. I reminded him of just how proud I am of him. He HAS come a long way since we met. When I met Erick, he DID have a problem with drugs -- crack in particular. He was on probation, without his G.E.D., and didn't really have much of a future ahead of him at all. But I took a chance on him. I BELIEVED in him. And by the grace of God, Erick has completely turned himself around. He's sober, off probation, he has his G.E.D., and he's got a VERY bright future ahead of him. If being on Wallshaker (or having a friendship with me) has allowed Erick to change his life for the better, let this be a testament! Again, I'm PROUD of him. And I'm thankful to God that I have the opportunity to BETTER someone's life and make their dreams come true.

Todd wrote a response to the blog I deleted, and he asked me "Is it lonely where you are?" My honest answer is NO, it is NOT lonely where I am. I've made some real connections in my life. I connect with people through my music. I connect through my words. I connect through my personality. And when someone tells me that my blog, or my song, or my attitude inspires them and helps change their life, I KNOW I'm doing something right.

He also made it a point to note the bad qualities about my personality. He noted how jealous I was when I became insecure -- something I have never denied. And yes, I've done some crazy "ghettofied" things because I sought attention from Todd. I've since apologized for those actions, and from what I thought, the matter was over. Apparantly not, since he brought it back up in recent conversaton -- something he promised me he would never do. He was so afraid of me doing these things again, he purposely hid his relationship (with his gf) from me. Well, that's not my fault that he wasn't confident enough in my ability to handle the situation like an adult.

I've learned LONG AGO that when you're doing GOOD, that's when the devil gets busy. Right now, the devil is CRAZY BUSY! So again, I thank God for allowing me to see through it. Instead of trying to reason with the devil, I just turned and walked away. Instead of trying to argue a moot point with Todd, I just simply deleted the blog entry. Instead of trying to figure out who's better or worse, I'll simply let me works speak for me.

I've told you the good that Wallshaker has done so far -- Erick is a shining example. My merge with Cratesavers, as well as the deal I just landed with the Chicago licensing house -- I'd say that the blessings are in abundance right now. And trust me when I say, I know this is bigger than me. God has HIS hands in my life right now.

I was warned.. in so many words, "be careful who you meet on your way up, because you'll see them on your way back down..." You're absolutely right. And I cannot wait. I'm well aware that what goes up MUST come down sometime. And believe me, I DO have my "down" moments. The people who I'm meeting on the way "up," I adore and appreciate. When I met Todd, maybe my eyes weren't as open as I thought they were. But when our friendship ended, I wasn't like "fuck Todd." I was like "Lord, what can I do to become a better person?" And if it's too late to mend things with Todd, then at least I'll be better for the NEXT friend.

I'm not worried about the haters... When you hate on me, I KNOW it's because I'm doing something right. And when you try to destroy what God is building, you will fail EVERY TIME. ...which brings me back to this blog. I didn't have to delete a damn thing I wrote. It was in no way slanderous, one-sided or untrue. But obviously, the truth was enough to rile him up so badly, he'd call my house and make threats against me? I better watch MY back? I'll do you one better... I'll let GOD continue to watch my back. The fact that Todd took time to even respond to my blog, explain "his side" of things, or whatever it was he thought he was doing -- it shows me that HE'S in an angry place. And speaking of malicious, that was pretty low what he tried to do to Erick -- exposing his past to the world like that. But like I told Erick today, don't be ashamed! BE PROUD!! Yes, you smoked crack. YES, you were a danger to yourself and others around you (even me) at one point and time... But look at you NOW. You SURVIVED it! You BETTER be proud of the fact that you ROSE ABOVE that bullshit. And NO, it's nobody else's business. But if word ever got out there, then hey... OWN IT. WEAR IT like a badge of honor. Because you are in a MUCH better place now. You can hold your head up high, and earn your respect. Thank GOD. Your mother and father are proud of you now... The changes you've made in your life are evident. And as you continue to grow, and your life continues to flourish, you'll earn even MORE respect. YOU are the perfect example of what can happen when you let God put HIS hand in your life. YOU are living proof, Erick. Be proud of that.

On that note, I'll end this blog. I was angry when I sat down to write this, but now I have a big smile on my face. I love my label, and I'm thankful for the good it has done people so far. My job is far from over...

Love on u...


Anonymous said...

First of all you don't know me and I don't appreciate being bad mouth on the internet. You and Todd might not get along but I have nothing to do with it. Although the statements you made about me are true, they are not complete. I am on medication for my condition and I no longer mutilate myself. Everyone has a past they are not proud of and have over come. If you dont want pasts to be exposed, then why do that to someone who never did anything to you. Please keep my name out of your mouth.

Aaron-Carl said...

For starters, you are right... I do NOT know you. And furthermore, I don't have (nor have I ever had) any intentions on bad-mouthing you. Whatever your past or present may be, that's you. I only went by what Todd told me.

Understand that I don't personally have a problem with you. And for what it's worth, please know that I do NOT mention your name. When I mentioned any reference to you, I referred to you as Todd's GF. You may notice this in the blog.

One final note... You (or Todd) really didn't have to bring this "war of words" to the Internet. Yes, I express my feelings and happenings on my blog -- and that's just it. MY blog. You've requested that I "keep your name out of my mouth." Not a problem. Your name hasn't been mentioned thus far, and I really have no intentions on doing so. What happened between Todd and I is one thing. I feel no need to drag other people into the mix. It's not neccessary.

Finally, I've even taken the liberty to delete the previous entry -- or at least the parts that Todd felt the need to respond to. Again, not that this has anything to do with you, BUT... I'm just saying. I've done the adult thing and walked away from the situation. Please advise your boyfriend to do the same. If our friendship is over, it's over. Move on.

Minimal Bass said...

Good man AC. :)

Anonymous said...

For all of you who never read his first blog, he did in fact state my name several times and tear me apart personally. His response to me is false and a cover-up from the truth. Why not just tell me your sorry and admit that you were wrong instead of lying. Damn you frustate me.

Aaron-Carl said...

It's funny you're back. And actually, I'm glad you're here. Why? Because shortly after I wrote my last comment (the one you just responded to), I said wait... Let me go back and actually RE-READ some of the stuff I said. And when I did, I noticed that I had in fact mentioned your name, and your past/previous condition. And yep, I also made reference to it again, when Todd said I was "too much for him to ever handle." And for the sake of keeping my word, I shall not repeat what I wrote here verbatim. HOWEVER, I WILL say this... I still never said anything malicious to or about you. And even in my mentioning your name/condition, I never used EITHER of those in an intentional bad way.

I've admitted my wrongdoings in the very same blog that I mentioned your name in -- which ironically, is the same blog that I deleted. And again, I deleted it because I've learned from experience that you cannot ARGUE with an angry person -- they aren't capable of reasoning... So for the sake of arguing with you two ANGRY people, I just removed the blog.

When you first popped up online and requested that I "keep your name out of my mouth," I responded with NO PROBLEM. And when I said that I made NO reference to your name or whatever, I was in fact referring to the current blog -- since that was the one that wasn't deleted.

YOU, on the other hand, already know that I wasn't "tearing you apart" with my words. You acknowledge my words directly in your FIRST response, when you said that while my statements about you WERE TRUE, they were not COMPLETE. And YOU filled in the blanks.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand that NOBODY likes to see their past exposed -- especially if it's a past that they're not particularly proud of. I understand that completely. But since we obviously can't control anyone but ourselves, WE (yes, WE) need to control HOW WE HANDLE the situations that arise.

...Which brings me back to this blog. You've stated that me and Todd might not get along, but you have nothing to do with it. But then out of your frustration, you e-mail my MySpace account with hate-filled comments like "You suck dick, you fucking fag?" Where the hell did THAT come from? I repeat... YOUR FRUSTRATION. Your frustration over your conclusions about ME and what you've heard. Because just like I don't know you, dear... YOU DON'T KNOW ME. You only know that Todd has told you -- and from HIS frustration, I'm sure you've gotten a pretty different view from the truth. I repeat: YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

If Todd would've introduced us, we would've probably gotten along. But it was HE who had no faith in that. And YES, he claims he has no faith because of some things that I've done in MY past out of my insecurities. YES, I did things and said things to Todd that I'm not proud of. And while I've apologized repeatedly for them, AND have made GREAT changes within myself as a result (for those of us who are talking about overcoming their PASTS...), Todd is the one who refused to believe me. Maybe the wounds are too fresh. Who knows?

But did I bash HIM for getting onto MY blog and explaining "his side" of the story? No, I did not. Did I curse him out for airing MY dirty laundry over the internet? Nope. Sure didn't... I didn't get "up in arms" when he discussed certain actions of mine that I'm not proud of -- like fighting Mel, or trying to hit his friend Shannon, or having a "the boy is mine" conversation with Lisa -- and before I continue, I'm ONLY mentioning these things again for TWO reasons...

FIRST, because Todd took the liberty of airing this out over the internet himself -- maliciously, I might add! He brought this shit up to hurt me -- so basically I could "see how it feels." ...and SECOND, because I've humbly apologized for ALL OF THESE ACTIONS. I went to ALL THREE people and apologized HUMBLY, like an ADULT. I TOLD Lisa that I shouldn't have approached her like I did. I explained my insecurity to Shannon and Lisa both -- and even the fight I had with MEL was over insecurities. I SINCERELY said I was sorry to ALL of them, and ASKED for their forgiveness.

MEL found it in his heart to forgive me -- even after being put in the hospital because of me. SHANNON found it in her heart to forgive me -- even after I so childishly chased her down with my car. LISA found it in HER heart to forgive me -- even though I came at her like a jealous person. EACH ONE OF THEM forgave me and we've ALL since moved on.

I've learned valuable lessons from EACH of these mistakes -- I'm human. And yes, you can say that I've overcome a lot of those issues that made me so insecure in the first place.

If TODD refuses to accept or believe that I've learned from my mistakes, that's his problem. Even when he first told me our friendship was over, I was tempted to "get childish" and make things awful for him -- especially when he said he was coming to get his things from my house. And WHAT HAPPENED INSTEAD??? After we began to exchange words, I stopped the problem from escalating... I called Todd myself and said, don't worry. I'm NOT gonna do anything to hurt your stuff... I initially reacted out of anger, but I had to stop myself and be AN ADULT about the situation... If Todd wanted his stuff, it's HIS. I even asked him if he really thought I'd do something evil to him, after everything we've been through. And HIS response? "I don't know Aaron... I don't know you anymore... I don't think I EVER knew you..." I accepted his answer for what it was. I wasn't gonna try and convince him that I was a changed person -- I figured that maybe in time, if he'd bothered to check up on me, he'd notice for himself.

So although he spoke to me on the phone with an angry tone, I allowed him that. I let him have his say... I listened to him as he gloated about how GOOD his life was without me -- even though it hurt me to hear those words, I allowed him his say, because I felt he NEEDED to get all of this off his chest.

After he came to my house and got his turntables and mixer, I asked him politely to come back and get the rest of his things, so Mel and I could park in our garage again. Has he made any arrangements with me? NO. Has he called me for any other reason except to threaten me and send me childish text messages like "you're STILL a piece of shit, you fat fuck?" NO.

Why would Todd send me a text message with those words? Why would YOU send me a harrassing e-mail message like "you suck dick, you fucking fag?" It doesn't sound to me like EITHER OF YOU are willing to handle this situation like adults. Again, I have DELETED the offending blogs -- regardless of my personal feelings. I chalked this all up to experience, and I'm REALLY trying to move on here.

But please don't mistake my lack of retaliation for weakness. I WILL NOT tolerate being harrassed by EITHER of you. I will not tolerate being threatened or mistreated. Now you've made your point. I've allowed you your say. Hopefully you've said it all, because right now, I'm finished listening. I'm FINISHED playing the "tit for tat" game.

I've lost a very good friend, someone whom I've grown to love as a person very much. I understand that part of it was my own doing. I accept that. I've battled it. I've learned some valuable lessons here, and through it all, I've learned to forgive myself. Yes, the truth hurts. It hurts me to re-live some of these memories, because I can't believe that I was "down so low." BUT instead of taking the "low" road, I wear my wounds with PRIDE, because like Erick and his prior drug addiction, or like YOU and your previous self-mutilation, I'VE OVERCOME THESE THINGS. I can be a better friend to the NEXT person I meet.

That's all I have to say about this matter. You are free to think whatever you want to. The truth has been aired -- on all sides. I've admitted my wrongs. I've atoned for them. But I refuse to wallow in this mess any longer. It's behind me. In the name of Jesus, AMEN. I'm done with it. Move on, NOW.

meta said...

Wow. Why is Wallshaker Records not the subject of reality show?

It has all the required drama, and I know who could write the soundtrack. :p

Don't let the haters get you down Aaron. Just keep giving the world your gifts!

lots of love,

E. Dubb said...

FUCK THE HATERS... jealousy is a bitch....

Melva said...

You know what, you all need to just chill and grow up. Todd, it's me Melva, I expect more from you and although I don't know your girlfried, just squash it already! It's silly really that your friendship has ended on some bullcrap, but obviously emotions run too deep. But your girl, should represent you, that makes you look bad and don't go there and stoop to any level because this is high school stuff.

I am the mediator and I am saying today THIS STOPS!!!

Todd you stop, girlfriend, you stop and AC you stop right now. I don't want to see any other messages regarding this or ALL OF YOU GUYS will see my ugly side. (smile)

Melva said...

Sorry, I meant that you don't need your girlfriend to fight your battles and she should not represent you. Speak for yourself or don't speak at all. GF, you need not to respond I don't care what was said about you, because your just adding fuel to the fire! Can we get a What! What! (LOL)

E. Dubb said...

agreed.. i feel the same way melva.... i can totally leave this alone... its less stress/drama in mylife, ya know.