Saturday, August 20, 2005

Diary of a Mad Birthday Boy...

I almost didn’t answer my phone this morning, when the Caller ID said “Out of Area.”  My first thought:  Oh no.  Another damn bill collector – I can’t deal with this shit today…  So I quickly donned my pseudo-butch “i-don’t-wanna-be-bothered” voice and said HELLO…  

JIM from Toulouse, France was on the other end, to wish me a Happy Birthday!  I was so happy that he called – especially since I KNEW how expensive it was for him to call me from France.  While I wanted to just keep it short, it was so nice to hear his voice again.  He told me he sent me a package, which can take up to 3 weeks to arrive!  WTF?!  (Are they WALKING across the ocean?!)   I miss Jim a lot.  And I wish he was here – just like he was, during this year’s Fuse-In festival.  All that time we spent together, laughing, getting to know each other…  He says he’s coming back, and I believe him.  I can’t wait to see him again.

Shortly after my conversation with Jim, I got another phone call.  As soon as I answered the phone, the super-sexy voice of JUNE LOPEZ began to sing “Happy Birthday to you…”  The way he says my name gets me hotter than July…  (Like “are-in”)  WOOOOOOOOOO!  But I digress.  Although, he was supposed to BE HERE already to celebrate with me in person!!!  Things happen, I know.  It’ll happen soon, so I won’t worry.  If I just get TOO tired of waiting, I’ll hop on a plane to Philly, and hunt him down.  It’s that simple.  

Hmmm…  It’s barely 11:30 now, and I KNOW I need more sleep – but with Stefan and Jevon, it’s not happening today.  Speaking of kids, Jevon gives me a BIG HUG today and says “Happy Birthday, Daddy!”  Stefan made me a lovely card, with a picture of a mountain scene that he colored himself.  He even stuffed TWO DOLLARS in the card!  That made me laugh.  You know, he just wanted to feel special.  I’m grateful for these 2 kids.  I really am.  Stefan DID buy me a beautiful crystal teddy bear yesterday, from a garage sale.  Isn’t that precious?  It’s little things like this, that make me forget all the DRAMA we’ve gone through – well, at least for a short while.  

You know what’s funny?!  I’m logged onto MSN and Yahoo Instant Messenger right now – both with the tagline “Happy Birthday to Me…” I’m getting IM-ed left and right – by people who normally NEVER speak to me.  Half of these bitches probably didn’t even KNOW it was my birthday, but it’s alright.  I smile and thank God anyway.

…Kelli Hand called me today!  Granted, that’s my girl, and we talk damn near EVERY day, I just thought it was quite refreshing to hear her wish me a Happy Birthday – and you KNOW she remembered.  I didn’t have to remind her.  LOL…  While she’s been quite busy herself lately, she’ll be at my party tomorrow.  Good.  Cuz I haven’t actually SEEN her in at least a week.   I’ll have to make her one of my Peach/Pear smoothie drinks.  MMMMM..      


I received an IM from Ant, a management friend of mine.  We’d never met before (in person), and obviously he was interested in coming out to my house to help me “celebrate my birthday…”  Against my first mind, I allowed him to come over.   He walked into my house, saw the picture of Mel and me on the wall, and freaked out!  He asked, “Is THAT your lover?”  I coyly replied, “yeah… one of many.”  He said “I KNOW that guy!”  Of course, this stops me cold in my tracks.  What do you MEAN, you KNOW him?!  

This prompted a conversation, of course.  Mind you, those who know me already know that Mel and I are “cool like that” in our relationship – after 4 years, who wouldn’t be?  I know we’ve both done our “dirt,” together AND separately.  Well...  I “knew” it, but I didn’t KNOW it – if you know what I mean.  In MY case, it’s easy.  I travel the world.  People see me, and of course there are some who are interested in me sexually.  If it happens, it happens.  It doesn’t take away from my relationship any.  And MEL and I talked about this regularly, and basically had an understanding/agreement/whatever the hell you wanna call it.  Hey…  This is the real world.  Lighten the fuck up…

Anyway, back to Mr. Ant!  Ant went on to tell me about how Mel would drive to his house on certain occasions, for HOOKUPS.  While I maintained a cool demeanor, inside I was LIVID.  Why, you ask?  Not because of the hookup per se, but because over the years, I’d ASK Mel repeatedly “have you done anything outside of our relationship?”  Of course he’d say NO…  And convince me that I was crazy – he loves me, blah blah blah.  Now even after our “agreement,” you’d think he’d have no reason to lie to me.  Bullshit.  He’s a fucking liar.  But anyway, I continue.

As Ant proceeded to give me the details (I LOVE details, but I’ll spare you – you’re welcome…), I couldn’t resist the urge to “tease” Mel about it when he called me from work.  “Oh honey, guess who’s here?”  Of course, when Mel found out, he was like a deer caught in headlights.  Thank God for my strength, because I felt like kicking the living shit out of both of them.  Actually, no…  Just Mel.  Ant had no idea about me, OR our arrangement, etc.  

Doesn’t this remind you of R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet?”  

After Ant left, I sat down with Mel to have a conversation about this whole event.  Remember, I wasn’t upset about what happened…  I was upset about how I found out.  And I was even MORE upset that Mel would lie to me and say that nothing was happening, when I knew that something was…  And ANT was not just a one-night stand, mind u.  They’ve hooked up at least 3 times so far.  Hmmm…  WTF’s going on there?!

Well, I asked Mel to finally be truthful and open up about his extra activities…  Ask and ye shall receive, eh?  WELL…  There was Ant…  There was ADAM – some man from Southgate that Mel met online (Damn Yahoo Chat Rooms!), and saw on more than one occasion.  Apparently, Mel hooked up during the DAYTIME – while he was at work, or between job sites.  He’d THEN come home to ME, pretending like nothing ever happened.  Ewww…  

Needless to say, I hit the fucking roof.  I was so pissed.  But keeping in mind, I’m no hypocrite!  I had to constantly explain to Mel that I was ONLY upset at him not trusting me enough to tell me the truth.  That is awful – you cannot have a relationship without trust.  

Wait a minute.  I have to back up.  I have to tell you the lengths that Mel would go through to make sure I was “happy and secure…”  I met Mel while I lived in Los Angeles.  While we hit it off very well, I’d decided that I was ready to come back to Detroit, so I’d bought myself (and the kids) plane tickets.  ORIGINALLY, Mel was supposed to sell his house, and move to Detroit with us.  I’d move first, get things situated, and Mel would follow.  Well… I did MY part.  I moved.  Mel called me almost immediately, and begged me to come back.  I told him NO, because I was NOT moving into another man’s house.  I wanted my OWN house.  And I’d NEVER wanna be in a situation where if we were to argue, he could say “get the fuck out.”  Mel understood, and said “come on back, I have something for you…”  Stupid me…  Next thing you know, I bought plane tickets for me and the kids to come BACK to California.  I was in Detroit for a mere 7 days…  But nonetheless, I arrived in California on a Thursday.  That next morning, Mel took me down to the title office, and signed over the deed to the house – to ME.  He wanted me to have security SO BADLY, he was willing to give up his house that HE bought, just to make ME feel secure.  Who does that?!

This is what kind of person Mel is.  He’s had my back when nobody else was there…  In situations like that, I couldn’t ask for a better man – and lord knows I’ve looked.  When I travel to do a show, Mel’s at home with the kids – holding it DOWN!  He’s the kinda guy who’ll pay your rent, wash your clothes and cook your dinner too – soon as he gets home from WORK!  Who could ask for anything more (I hear you query?)?  Who could ask for anything more (well, let me tell you, deary)?    

Well…  I feel like I’ve been kicked in my muthafuckin’ stomach.  He’s pacifying me in THESE ways, but only to cover up for the fact that he cannot (and will not) tell me the TRUTH about things…  And although I know this is “putting it all out there,” I must say this.  Mel and I basically have a non-existent sex life – with each other!!!  We’ve been that way for a long while now (count the years, honey!)…  But whenever I’d ask for it, he’d say he wasn’t feeling sexual…  Or he was too tired…  Or he didn’t wanna disturb me doing my music…  You get the idea.  So, if you’re too fucking tired to give it to ME…  WHY the HELL are you getting online (at work, no less!), trying to get it from someone else?  

My self esteem was already shattered when I started gaining weight.  Of course, the more depressed and stressed I got, the more weight I gained.  Now I’m “bigger” than I’ve ever been in my life.  It affects my breathing, my muscles, everything.  And from someone who was bone-thin all of his life, you can just about imagine the shock I see every time I look in my mirror.  

Mel just took this shit to another level…  I used to catch him in dumb lies – from his screen names and emails, to his working “late,” to his extra time in the shower (think about it)…  You name it.  I used to catch him so much, I got tired of looking.  But gottdammit, when I specifically ASK you if you’re cheating…  And you ARE…  Yet you have the nerve to tell me you’re NOT?  And THEN go further to say that I’m just being paranoid???  You’re not feeling sexual, but I “love” this newfound collection of gay porn you have!!!  

AND ON MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, this DUDE walks into MY HOUSE, and tells me that you’re his BOOTY CALL?  That’s low.  Happy birthday to ME, shit.  Happy fucking birthday.

Needless to say, I’ve been up all night, fussing, fighting, crying, listening to drama – trying to figure out what the hell I’m gonna do.  I have tons of people coming to my house tomorrow – well, TODAY now…  I’ve been planning this party for WEEKS now.  I refuse to let our relationship (or lack thereof) get in the way.

Again, it is after 3 a.m., and I’m tired as fuck.  There’s so much left to be done – hopefully I get some pictures of the party for you to see. In the meantime, I’m gonna go upstairs, lay in bed, cry a little, and kick myself in the ass for not leaving his lying ass sooner in life…

Guess I’d better say a BIG prayer tonight…

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