Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Back 2 Blogging...

So it’s been a few days since my last blog…  Time to quickly get y’all up to date.  For starters, I’ve totally redone Detrevolution, from start to finish.  Fear, Divine Intervention, call it what you will…  I have totally redone my new album.  Why, you ask?  Because I wanted to make VERY SURE that I did not release another Uncloseted.  Mind you, Uncloseted is a great album.  It served its purpose.  But I just couldn’t come out to the world with the SAME shit to say!  With Detrevolution, I’ve done a LOT of soul searching…  I’ve played certain songs to my friends, some even to the public.  And for those who are afraid they’re not gonna hear anything NEW on this CD, you’re wrong, honey…  Think again.  This shit is FIRE.  But I’ll let y’all see for yourselves…  

Of course you know, Hateful, Ghetto Life, My Stranger and 21 Positions are on the CD.  BUT…  Each song (along with all the others) have been tweaked, mixed, REBORN – now I’m proud.  The album goes to the pressing plant next week – I’m so nervous!  This is where all the promotion kicks in… It’s time…  

Outside of producing music, I’ve still been dealing with my share of drama.  Since I’ve calmed down after my birthday incident, things seem to have gotten better.  In fact, they’re almost back to “normal.”  (A fatal mistake, since that’s the reason I even had to go thru this bullshit?)  My eyes are open, so pray for me.  I’m taking that road again…

The boys are FINALLY registered for school, thank God!!!  They start school Sept. 7, which means that in ONE MORE WEEK, Daddy will have DADDY time!!!  Yes, lord!  Regular schedule, here I come.  I’ll be able to start a nice workout schedule again, cuz you know I’ve been slacking…  Staying up all night, sleeping half the day…  It’ll age you very quickly!  

Question… for Detrevolution, should I use DIGIPAKS, or JEWEL CASES?!  Ah, the dilemma…  

Tori Fixx, a friend of mine from Minneapolis, has a CD (series) called Black Out.  Although I only have CD#1 of 3 (damnit!), I’ve recently started bumping it again.  The song BLACKOUT is the fucking shizzle!  For real, it’s on fire.  Although he jacked every beat possible, I LOVE it.  But the part that gets me the most is the sample he uses during the verses, and at the end…  “whoaoooooh….   Oohhhhhhh… Talk 2 me….”  WHO THE FUCK IS THAT???  WHAT RECORD IS THAT???  I want that bitch!!  Somebody needs to hunt Tori’s ass down and tell him to write a ho!  Doesn’t he know I recently had a birthday???

All music aside, I just recently learned that my great-Uncle Leroy is in the hospital.  Kidney failure (or liver, I can’t remember).  But he’s expected to have a LONG recovery, and right now he’s not doing so good.  How ironic that he was JUST at my house, leading us in prayer before we ate dinner!  I’m going to say a big prayer for Uncle Leroy, and look forward to his recovery.  Tomorrow, I’ll head up to the hospital with Mommy (yes I still call her Mommy…) to see him.  Hopefully he’s conscious.  I want him to know how much I appreciated him coming out to my house to celebrate my birthday with me…  And I appreciated the card that he gave me (complete with $30 – they didn’t realize I was actually 32, so they insisted that I take 2 extra dollars, hahaha!!!).  Granted, Uncle Leroy is 83 years old.  But still, I want to be there for him.  After all, family is family.

Alright, y’all…  Time for bed.  I’ve been sleeping in Jevon’s room for the past 2 nights.  He’s so funny…  He asked me if I would come to his “house” and stay the night.  And I feel so honored – my 5 year-old son just wants to be near his daddy.  And when we sleep, he lays right up next to me, just like he did when he was a baby.  You can tell that my presence means so much to him.  He even told me tonight, “Daddy, you can SAVE your work and finish it tomorrow…  Won’t you turn your computer OFF and come upstairs with me?”  You know, I became a daddy for THIS REASON…  My son adores his father, the same way I adored mine.  This special bond is one that can never be broken.  I pray that I live long enough to see him grow up and have his OWN children, so he can raise them with the same love that I gave HIM.  On that note, I’m off to bed.  I’ll stop over at Jevon’s “place,” just to make sure he knows that Daddy’s here.  And he can smile…  And ask me to stay with him.  

Love on y’all…
AC

Friday, August 26, 2005

Lost...

Today I think I lost a friend…  You know, the one friend whom I asked the “god-awful question…”  Today, I received a message in my MySpace account from him.  “I wish you well…  Good luck to you…  Peace.”  If that’s not the coldest goodbye I’ve ever heard!  Immediately, I wrote him back.  “You sound like you’re saying goodbye…  Don’t you DARE say goodbye…”  Then I noticed on HIS MySpace account, that all references to Aaron-Carl are gone.  He had a nice little message that wished me a Happy Birthday.  Gone.  

You know, that makes me wonder…  Was today just a bad day for him?  I didn’t say anything offensive – except the term of endearment, “Hetero Pussy.”  Perhaps he got offended?  I fail to see the logic. It’s just like someone calling me a “Drama Queen” or something like that.  Friends can joke with each other about that.  Maybe he wasn’t a friend, after all…  Well, if it makes his ego feel better, I’ll even apologize about it.  

It’s just another painful reminder that I’m part of a very rare breed.  No, I’m not talking about “gay.”  But I do feel that my being gay has something to do with it.  Lord knows I’ve had to fight for EVERYTHING that I’ve ever had in this world.  In fact, I’m still fighting just to SURVIVE in this world.  My blog comes from my heart, and if I don’t feel like censoring what the fuck I say, SO BE IT.  Love me for ME, faults and all.

AC

AAAAARGH!!!

Ok…  So I went to my mother’s house today.  I needed to tell HER what’s been going on, and I prayed that she had some good advice for me.  Wouldn’t you know, she’s going through the same damn thing with HER man!  He apparently can’t keep his penis in HIS pants either…  What’s up with the damn world?  We’re just “freeing Willy” all over the place.  Lord…  

Earlier today, Stefan approached me… He asked, “Daddy, are you and Mel breaking up?”   You know, until now, I never realized how badly the kids would be affected by us breaking up.  Stefan immediately burst into tears – and all I could do was hold him…  

As I said before, I’m just taking it day by day.  I’ve gotten a few words of encouragement (Thanks Saturn!) from people who basically assured me that I’m NOT crazy.  I’m NOT being a drama queen.  This is a valid problem, a valid hurt.  And I have the RIGHT to feel the way I feel.  That alone, means something.  

Now mind you, I’m not one for wearing the “perpetual victim” badge either.  So I’m forcing myself to move the fuck on…  “Keep pushing on, things are gonna get better…  it won’t take long…  keep on pushing 2 the top…”  (Girl, I’m pushing!)

Random thought:  Today I fried some chicken – hot wings…  And damn, they were so good.  It’s almost 1 a.m., and I’m craving them right now!  But no…  I won’t get up and make me any.  Especially after what I just stuffed in my mouth – oh, keep your mind outta the gutter!!!  You know I’m on my fiber kick now, right?  Mel bought me a box of Nature Valley Healthy Heart Chewy Granola Bars.  Oatmeal Raisin… MMMM!!!  Mind you, there are 5 in a box.  I’ll be damned.  I ate the ENTIRE BOX.  I swear, by the time I’m finished, I’ll have the cleanest colon in Detroit, MI.  Plus the fiber shake I’m having tonight before bed?  Oh, you KNOW where I’ll be in the morning!!!

Damn, I’m so gullible…  Dana IMed me a little while ago…  I hate when she starts with this “how’s my hubby” bullshit, because I KNOW what’s coming next.  It’s usually, “can you watch my kid?”  Wasn’t I just saying that I’d appreciate a friendly voice, MINUS the gottdamn babysitting?!  Shit.  As if I don’t have a fucking life of my own…  KNOWING the trap I’m about to fall into, I answer her IM…  She proceeds to tell me about her upcoming trip to Chicago, so she can see her “man.”  So long story short, this bitch is out there getting fucked, and I’m stuck here, watching her kid.  There’s just something not quite right about that…  I could’ve easily said NO, but what the hell…  I’m nice.  Too damn nice.  

But know this:  I would have a much GREATER amount of respect for people, if they just get to the fucking point.  Don’t call me, talking all this idle chit-chat; knowing DAMN WELL you have a hidden agenda.  What…  Do you wanna borrow some money?  Don’t ask me how my fucking kids are doing…  Just ask for the MONEY!  Want me to watch your kid?  Don’t butter me up, telling me how talented I am, etc…  Just tell me you need a babysitter.  Trust me.  I’ll respect you a lot better…  MAN, people are stupid!

My straight friend (aka Hetero Pussy) logged onto AIM just a few minutes ago…  He saw me online, and quickly logged back off – before I could even say hello.  I hate when that happens…  

I also talked to JAY recently – you remember my ex-boyfriend, who is on the brink of surgery?  It’s so weird.  He seems to be doing okay.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I’m HAPPY for him!  It’s just weird how one minute he’s saying his last goodbyes, and the next minute, he’s complaining about finding a new job.  

Well, it’s 1 a.m. now.  I guess I better go wake up Jevon and take him to the bathroom, before he wets his bed.  Ahh, the joys of parenthood.  

PS:  I just had a thought…  What if I died tonight?  I know, kinda twisted…  But you know, we’re not promised tomorrow.  I wonder who’d miss me.  Just a reminder that if you love someone, SHOW THEM, while you’re here!  LET THEM KNOW they’re appreciated.  And please, don’t take them for granted.

Much love…
AC

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

R 2 R

Am I late? Lord, I just discovered a MAW (Masters At Work) mix of Donna Summer's "I Feel Love." OH MAN, is it heavenly!!! If you haven't heard it, FIND it... GET it. You'll love it.

Regarding the recent drama with Mel, I'll just say that I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy. Again, it was the LIE that devastated me so much. But they say that time heals all wounds. ...well, start healing, baby!

It's almost time for the boys to start school again. Damn, I can't wait. It's little things like PRIVACY that I miss so much. I can finally get back to a REGULAR schedule again! With the way that the music business is going, I'm actually considering a damn day job. A slap in the face, maybe... A shock to the system, definitely. But hell... Times are lean, but the bills just keep on comin'...

SPEAKING of coming... I asked one of my hetero friends when was the last time he came.  In true hetero fashion, he nervously laughed at my question and refused to answer...  Fucking pussy...  Why do the gay guys have to be the brave, outspoken ones all the damn time?  Damn...  It's just an orgasm!  Can't it be discussed among FRIENDS?

My girl Dana gave me a lovely vibrating "candy cane," as either a late birthday present, or a sympathy gift that says "honey, u need 2 get laid!" While it's discreetly tucked away inside my "goodie drawer," I had some interesting fun with "CC." (Candy Cane, duh!) It's pink and white, takes AA batteries, plus its waterproof. At first glance, I thought "oh this won't do anything..." Well, CC definitely earned his place in the goodie drawer! And before you get all crazy, just know this: I ONLY used it on my neck. (My neck, my back... ) While I'll never use CC in public, I think his only purpose is to massage the neck and face muscles. Anything else would be -- well, uncivilized?!

I had a nice little conversation with my old buddy, Denny last night -- online, of course. He's also in Philly -- I think I'll introduce him to June Lopez. They're both into deep, lovely House music. They're both DJs. And they're both friends of mine -- and neither of their fuckin' asses have MADE IT TO DETROIT to spend some time with me!!!

What's up with my friends, anyway? They're either too busy, or otherwise unavailable -- until they need something, of course. Mind you, not EVERYONE is like that -- just the majority of them. I have a life. I know THEY have lives. But damn! I've been needing to hear a friendly voice lately. A voice that doesn't want anything from me -- doesn't wanna borrow some money... Doesn't want me to watch their kid... Doesn't want me to burn them a copy of some damn CD... Doesn't mind if I talk about "gay" subjects, even though they're so straight...

Well, that's it for tonight. I'm debating on whether I should drink a fiber shake before I go to bed. I'm feeling this intense need to eat something healthy.

Talk more soon...  PS:  R 2 R = Road to Recovery…
AC    

Monday, August 22, 2005

Beautiful Bittersweet

The storm clouds lifted just in time, and it turned into a BEAUTIFUL day for my birthday party.  The barbeque was supposed to start at 5pm, but you know my family is down with C.P.T.  (Colored People Time)!  But wow.  The first guests were my great-uncle and great-aunt, Uncle Leroy and Aunt Natha Lea.  Although I invited them, I didn’t really expect anyone from my extended family to show up at my house.  So I was EXTREMELY happy when they came by.  They arrived, gift in hand.  It was wonderful.  We talked for nearly an hour, before other guests started to arrive.  Timothy Gay (my saxophone player friend, whom I so lovingly call Mariah Carey – even though he’s straight, we laugh about him being a DIVA) was here as well.  Hair and all…  He’d just taken out his braids and WOOOOOOO…  Afro Puff!!!  

While I looked forward to my mother’s famously delicious potato salad, I found out that she wasn’t making it.  However, she did give me some money to BUY some potato salad.  Uncle Ronald, Granny and Ernest (I just haven’t been able to call him GrandDad), My cousin (and godmother) Dot, Sharon (complete with camel-toe), my little sister Melva (and kids); we were all in my back yard, grooving to the House mix CD that I made, and eating some wonderful barbeque.  I swear, I was frying Hot wings for so long, I felt like I was working at McDonalds!  

It felt like a family reunion. Even Mel and I seemed happy – trust me, it was mostly a fa├žade.  I was STILL pissed about the night before – who wouldn’t be?  But God gave me sunshine for my party, and I wasn’t gonna let Mel fucking spoil it.  

Tim was great as well…  Granted, I basically had to pull his Afro Puff to get him to run to the store and buy some ICE…  But at least he didn’t slap me silly when I introduced him as “Mariah Carey” to my family.  We both laughed about it.  I like Tim a lot now… He’s so crazy…  

Lord, it was hilarious!  Watching Melva, Dot, Stefan and me trying to do the “Cha Cha Slide.”  What the hell is the “Charlie Brown?!”  My mother almost fell out of her chair laughing at us.  The whole vibe was like a summertime family reunion picnic.  Little kids running around, blowing the party whistles… 4 Generations of family, sitting around the tables, laughing, etc.  

One of the biggest highlights was MARK (aka November17) – a fan of mine, who drove all the way from Bay City just to party with me.  The party was a success, and I’m happy.  Very happy.  In spite of the drama, I’m happy.

Alright, BITTER…  but sweet.  Mel had the nerve to get upset that I posted our drama on the blog.  WHATEVER!!  If I have to deal with him lying and sneaking around, then he has to deal with however I choose to vent it.  It’s that damn simple.

More soon…
AC

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Storm...

I woke up this morning, feeling spent, dazed and confused.  I look outside my window.  We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm…  My birthday party is in 7 hours.  I’ve paid and prepared for this day…  After my scathing birthday discovery yesterday, I DESERVE this party today…  Stefan made me a nice glass of tea – God bless him.  He said he hopes it makes me feel better…  Now that’s love.  Thank God for my children.

AC

Diary of a Mad Birthday Boy...

I almost didn’t answer my phone this morning, when the Caller ID said “Out of Area.”  My first thought:  Oh no.  Another damn bill collector – I can’t deal with this shit today…  So I quickly donned my pseudo-butch “i-don’t-wanna-be-bothered” voice and said HELLO…  

JIM from Toulouse, France was on the other end, to wish me a Happy Birthday!  I was so happy that he called – especially since I KNEW how expensive it was for him to call me from France.  While I wanted to just keep it short, it was so nice to hear his voice again.  He told me he sent me a package, which can take up to 3 weeks to arrive!  WTF?!  (Are they WALKING across the ocean?!)   I miss Jim a lot.  And I wish he was here – just like he was, during this year’s Fuse-In festival.  All that time we spent together, laughing, getting to know each other…  He says he’s coming back, and I believe him.  I can’t wait to see him again.

Shortly after my conversation with Jim, I got another phone call.  As soon as I answered the phone, the super-sexy voice of JUNE LOPEZ began to sing “Happy Birthday to you…”  The way he says my name gets me hotter than July…  (Like “are-in”)  WOOOOOOOOOO!  But I digress.  Although, he was supposed to BE HERE already to celebrate with me in person!!!  Things happen, I know.  It’ll happen soon, so I won’t worry.  If I just get TOO tired of waiting, I’ll hop on a plane to Philly, and hunt him down.  It’s that simple.  

Hmmm…  It’s barely 11:30 now, and I KNOW I need more sleep – but with Stefan and Jevon, it’s not happening today.  Speaking of kids, Jevon gives me a BIG HUG today and says “Happy Birthday, Daddy!”  Stefan made me a lovely card, with a picture of a mountain scene that he colored himself.  He even stuffed TWO DOLLARS in the card!  That made me laugh.  You know, he just wanted to feel special.  I’m grateful for these 2 kids.  I really am.  Stefan DID buy me a beautiful crystal teddy bear yesterday, from a garage sale.  Isn’t that precious?  It’s little things like this, that make me forget all the DRAMA we’ve gone through – well, at least for a short while.  

You know what’s funny?!  I’m logged onto MSN and Yahoo Instant Messenger right now – both with the tagline “Happy Birthday to Me…” I’m getting IM-ed left and right – by people who normally NEVER speak to me.  Half of these bitches probably didn’t even KNOW it was my birthday, but it’s alright.  I smile and thank God anyway.

…Kelli Hand called me today!  Granted, that’s my girl, and we talk damn near EVERY day, I just thought it was quite refreshing to hear her wish me a Happy Birthday – and you KNOW she remembered.  I didn’t have to remind her.  LOL…  While she’s been quite busy herself lately, she’ll be at my party tomorrow.  Good.  Cuz I haven’t actually SEEN her in at least a week.   I’ll have to make her one of my Peach/Pear smoothie drinks.  MMMMM..      

AND THEN THIS HAPPENS…

I received an IM from Ant, a management friend of mine.  We’d never met before (in person), and obviously he was interested in coming out to my house to help me “celebrate my birthday…”  Against my first mind, I allowed him to come over.   He walked into my house, saw the picture of Mel and me on the wall, and freaked out!  He asked, “Is THAT your lover?”  I coyly replied, “yeah… one of many.”  He said “I KNOW that guy!”  Of course, this stops me cold in my tracks.  What do you MEAN, you KNOW him?!  

This prompted a conversation, of course.  Mind you, those who know me already know that Mel and I are “cool like that” in our relationship – after 4 years, who wouldn’t be?  I know we’ve both done our “dirt,” together AND separately.  Well...  I “knew” it, but I didn’t KNOW it – if you know what I mean.  In MY case, it’s easy.  I travel the world.  People see me, and of course there are some who are interested in me sexually.  If it happens, it happens.  It doesn’t take away from my relationship any.  And MEL and I talked about this regularly, and basically had an understanding/agreement/whatever the hell you wanna call it.  Hey…  This is the real world.  Lighten the fuck up…

Anyway, back to Mr. Ant!  Ant went on to tell me about how Mel would drive to his house on certain occasions, for HOOKUPS.  While I maintained a cool demeanor, inside I was LIVID.  Why, you ask?  Not because of the hookup per se, but because over the years, I’d ASK Mel repeatedly “have you done anything outside of our relationship?”  Of course he’d say NO…  And convince me that I was crazy – he loves me, blah blah blah.  Now even after our “agreement,” you’d think he’d have no reason to lie to me.  Bullshit.  He’s a fucking liar.  But anyway, I continue.

As Ant proceeded to give me the details (I LOVE details, but I’ll spare you – you’re welcome…), I couldn’t resist the urge to “tease” Mel about it when he called me from work.  “Oh honey, guess who’s here?”  Of course, when Mel found out, he was like a deer caught in headlights.  Thank God for my strength, because I felt like kicking the living shit out of both of them.  Actually, no…  Just Mel.  Ant had no idea about me, OR our arrangement, etc.  

Doesn’t this remind you of R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet?”  

After Ant left, I sat down with Mel to have a conversation about this whole event.  Remember, I wasn’t upset about what happened…  I was upset about how I found out.  And I was even MORE upset that Mel would lie to me and say that nothing was happening, when I knew that something was…  And ANT was not just a one-night stand, mind u.  They’ve hooked up at least 3 times so far.  Hmmm…  WTF’s going on there?!

Well, I asked Mel to finally be truthful and open up about his extra activities…  Ask and ye shall receive, eh?  WELL…  There was Ant…  There was ADAM – some man from Southgate that Mel met online (Damn Yahoo Chat Rooms!), and saw on more than one occasion.  Apparently, Mel hooked up during the DAYTIME – while he was at work, or between job sites.  He’d THEN come home to ME, pretending like nothing ever happened.  Ewww…  

Needless to say, I hit the fucking roof.  I was so pissed.  But keeping in mind, I’m no hypocrite!  I had to constantly explain to Mel that I was ONLY upset at him not trusting me enough to tell me the truth.  That is awful – you cannot have a relationship without trust.  

Wait a minute.  I have to back up.  I have to tell you the lengths that Mel would go through to make sure I was “happy and secure…”  I met Mel while I lived in Los Angeles.  While we hit it off very well, I’d decided that I was ready to come back to Detroit, so I’d bought myself (and the kids) plane tickets.  ORIGINALLY, Mel was supposed to sell his house, and move to Detroit with us.  I’d move first, get things situated, and Mel would follow.  Well… I did MY part.  I moved.  Mel called me almost immediately, and begged me to come back.  I told him NO, because I was NOT moving into another man’s house.  I wanted my OWN house.  And I’d NEVER wanna be in a situation where if we were to argue, he could say “get the fuck out.”  Mel understood, and said “come on back, I have something for you…”  Stupid me…  Next thing you know, I bought plane tickets for me and the kids to come BACK to California.  I was in Detroit for a mere 7 days…  But nonetheless, I arrived in California on a Thursday.  That next morning, Mel took me down to the title office, and signed over the deed to the house – to ME.  He wanted me to have security SO BADLY, he was willing to give up his house that HE bought, just to make ME feel secure.  Who does that?!

This is what kind of person Mel is.  He’s had my back when nobody else was there…  In situations like that, I couldn’t ask for a better man – and lord knows I’ve looked.  When I travel to do a show, Mel’s at home with the kids – holding it DOWN!  He’s the kinda guy who’ll pay your rent, wash your clothes and cook your dinner too – soon as he gets home from WORK!  Who could ask for anything more (I hear you query?)?  Who could ask for anything more (well, let me tell you, deary)?    

Well…  I feel like I’ve been kicked in my muthafuckin’ stomach.  He’s pacifying me in THESE ways, but only to cover up for the fact that he cannot (and will not) tell me the TRUTH about things…  And although I know this is “putting it all out there,” I must say this.  Mel and I basically have a non-existent sex life – with each other!!!  We’ve been that way for a long while now (count the years, honey!)…  But whenever I’d ask for it, he’d say he wasn’t feeling sexual…  Or he was too tired…  Or he didn’t wanna disturb me doing my music…  You get the idea.  So, if you’re too fucking tired to give it to ME…  WHY the HELL are you getting online (at work, no less!), trying to get it from someone else?  

My self esteem was already shattered when I started gaining weight.  Of course, the more depressed and stressed I got, the more weight I gained.  Now I’m “bigger” than I’ve ever been in my life.  It affects my breathing, my muscles, everything.  And from someone who was bone-thin all of his life, you can just about imagine the shock I see every time I look in my mirror.  


Mel just took this shit to another level…  I used to catch him in dumb lies – from his screen names and emails, to his working “late,” to his extra time in the shower (think about it)…  You name it.  I used to catch him so much, I got tired of looking.  But gottdammit, when I specifically ASK you if you’re cheating…  And you ARE…  Yet you have the nerve to tell me you’re NOT?  And THEN go further to say that I’m just being paranoid???  You’re not feeling sexual, but I “love” this newfound collection of gay porn you have!!!  

AND ON MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, this DUDE walks into MY HOUSE, and tells me that you’re his BOOTY CALL?  That’s low.  Happy birthday to ME, shit.  Happy fucking birthday.

Needless to say, I’ve been up all night, fussing, fighting, crying, listening to drama – trying to figure out what the hell I’m gonna do.  I have tons of people coming to my house tomorrow – well, TODAY now…  I’ve been planning this party for WEEKS now.  I refuse to let our relationship (or lack thereof) get in the way.

Again, it is after 3 a.m., and I’m tired as fuck.  There’s so much left to be done – hopefully I get some pictures of the party for you to see. In the meantime, I’m gonna go upstairs, lay in bed, cry a little, and kick myself in the ass for not leaving his lying ass sooner in life…

Guess I’d better say a BIG prayer tonight…
AC

Friday, August 19, 2005

AC, Version 3.2. It's official!

Thank you, Jesus.  I’ve officially been on this earth for 32 years.  While some people view it as a curse, I see it as a blessing.  I don’t feel older…  I certainly don’t LOOK older…  And for whatever reason, I’m still here.  Again, thank you, Jesus.  

31, was all about fun.  Now 32, is time to renew.  Y’all hear me?  Time to renew my mind, body and spirit…  It’s time for my evolution, my healing.  (I titled my new album DETREVOLUTION for a reason, you hear me?!)  It’s time to let go of this bullshit that’s been bringing me down.  My weight issues, my family drama, my constant need for acceptance in this fucked-up world.  It’s time for me to learn to smile – not just sometimes…  

Here it is, damn near 3 a.m.  And I still haven’t been to bed.  Lord knows I have a busy day tomorrow – I mean, today…  The birthday party isn’t until Saturday, but we’ve spent the last few days getting my house together for the event.  Yes, I said EVENT!  I think I invited everybody I know – even some people I DIDN’T know.  Even though I’m still broke – in CAPITAL LETTERS – I’m not gonna let that stop me from living it up.  Fuck it.  My new house is fabulous, and it’s gonna look like a damn showplace, by the time I’m finished with it.  I’ll have lots of food, lots of music and lots of fun.  Everyone will be smiling, and united to celebrate me just being ALIVE another year.  Life is good.

By the way, I’m sending all of you a BIG HUG right now, as you read this.  Thanks for coming by to see about me.  

Love Yours Truly…
Aaron-Carl

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Last Night @ Foran's

...Foran's! That's where I was set to play last night. Why couldn't I remember that? Nonetheless, I arrived at the club nearly 15 minutes before I was scheduled to play (with Trench). After driving PAST Foran's almost 10 times (and I've played there before!), I promised myself I would get downtown more. Lucky for me, I found a parking spot right in front of the place. The homeless man out front didn't bother me much either. He asked me for $1 so he could "keep my car safe." Normally I would've given the guy SOMETHING, but honey, I was broke as shit. Didn't even have an extra dollar for the homeless guy. I casually said "just wait until I leave tonight -- I have to work and I'm late..." Knowing damn well that I wasn't getting paid! But still. Anything to keep this homeless guy from damaging my car -- after I just paid $1000 to have the bitch FIXED?! Oh NOOOOO...

So, inside Foran's. Yep. Same as I remembered it. Dark, small (cozy), but warm... The sound system was loud, and bumped the sweet sounds of -- of... of whatever the hell that music was... Techno? Breaks? Whatever it was, it was sweet. :-)

I ran into a few guys from Detroit Techno Militia, who came out to support the night. DAMN, I almost wore my DTM T-shirt!!! Next time, I have to represent. Judy Shelton (the booking agent) was also there --she heard I was playing tonight, and wanted to come out to see me. I thought, wow. THAT made me feel special! A few other folks (Viola and George from Germany) were also there, which made me feel even MORE special. All of a sudden, I realized that it wasn't about the money. It didn't matter that I wasn't getting paid. I was about to play for a crowd who specifically came to see ME -- and that made me feel so good.

Trench started his set -- damn, that man can DJ. He mixed and scratched electro bass, some classic tunes, and some off-the-wall techno records I didn't know -- but I want!!! We planned to play 30-minute sets, then tag-team back and forth, 3 records a piece. I had a LOT of fun doing that. That element of friendly competition -- that "I've gotta come back and GET HIM" attitude. Fucking awesome. I can't even remember all the records I played -- everything I'd practiced just kinda went out the window last night. My goal was: how am I gonna make these people SCREAM?! And sure enough, when I broke out classics like "No UFOs" or "Timeline," they did just that.

While the place wasn't packed, those folks who were there had FUN!!! In fact, I didn't realize how many people came in and out -- many of them who were there to support me. Trench was so cool during the whole night. We're definitely playing together in the future. (MUSIC, y'all nasty people!!! However, comma...) hehehehe...

Brickman, Viola, George, Vince (a.k.a. Shortround), Pirahnahead (it was so great to see you!!!)... Not to mention the other folks I met last night -- you know, there's something to be said about that. People approach me and introduce themselves, which is hard enough to do over loud music. And while I'm flattered by them ALL, it's sometimes hard to remember everyone's name. "Hi, I'm so & so..." And I smile, shake their hand and acknowledge them -- and invite them all to my birthday party this weekend. LOL. I LOVE my fans! I LOVE to meet them. And believe it or not, I do remember a LOT of them.

So, a couple hours and a million screams later, I'm ready to come home. But NOT without running into that same homeless man, who said "I wanna see if you're a man of your word!" So I had him follow me to my car, where I gave him the ONLY dollar I had stashed away in my change tray. Do you know he had the nerve to complain? "Well, if I had ANOTHER dollar, I could eat at Coney Island!" Trench and I were laughing about that, as we got into my car, and I drove him to his parking spot.

Trench is also designing my DETREVOLUTION album cover -- which I'm sure will be awesome. He wanted some songs for "inspiration," and I just so happened to have a CD of the "first half of the album" in my car. (Yes, I've been listening to it -- I can't wait till the official release!) So I gave him the CD. Bad news: I couldn't blast it all the way home. Good news: HE could. (Ironically, we both drive the same car... So I KNOW his stereo bumps!) Maybe I'll call him today and ask him what he thinks.

It's so funny... This album is gonna hit like wildfire. I've "tested" a few songs to people, who love what they hear. But it's not all about "yes" men... One song was somebody's "favorite." The same song was somebody else's NIGHTMARE!!! And while I accept the criticism from BOTH sides, I'm still gonna do what I wanna do. But man... The production on this album is TIGHT... I mean, tight like virgin booty tight!!!

Lord, let me stop talking about this album. Besides, I'm still clueless as to HOW I'm gonna pay for this record to be released. But I'm still going forward with it, because I have promises to keep. (And miles to go before I sleep! --Robert Frost)

I'm not worried. I know that everything will be alright...
More later. In the meantime, I've gotta get a little rest.

XOXOXOXO...

Monday, August 15, 2005

Music, Money, Milestones...

Four more days till the big day. AC, Version 3.2. And for those who aren't quite smart enough to figure it out, it's my birthday on Friday -- I'll be 32 years old. So much shit is happening here lately, I haven't even had time to think straight. For example: Tomorrow night, I'm spinning with DJ Trench at a club somewhere in Detroit. What's the name of the club? I don't know. WHERE is the club? I don't know... And oh yeah. I'm not getting paid. That much I DO know!

Money, where the hell ARE you? Won't you come into my life? Jeez! Something needs to happen soon, because I'm struggling BIG TIME right now... Credit cards are being denied, things are getting shut off... Robbing Peter to pay Paul... And yes, I'm bitching about it. While I'm not one to sit and wallow in my own sorrows, you may be asking "why don't you do something about it?!" That's what I'm trying to do here. Fucking distributors aren't paying on time! And it's causing a trickle-down effect. I've got people to pay, and these damn distributors don't wanna act right! "Yes, we owe you money, but NO we aren't gonna pay you..." WTF?! 30-day consignments turn into 60 or 90 day nightmares.

Sometimes it's easier to just get a fucking day job. But I refuse. Why, you ask? Because I was always told that if you have a "Plan B., " then you'll always fall back on it. Mind you, nearly every one of my producer "friends" have day jobs as well. I guess this is why... I just couldn't do it -- I haven't had a "normal 9-5" since 2001. I'm sorry. I cannot be the "diva" who flips burgers by day. I CANNOT. I'm also afraid to start working somewhere else, because (1) I'll have to dedicate 100% of myself to that job, as opposed to my music, and (2) Once I get good and settled into a job, I'll have to leave because I have a gig somewhere.

Mind you, there are so many ways to make money in this industry -- not just from record sales. There's always remixing, licensing, touring, royalties, publishing, etc. But then comes the so-called "favors" from so-called "friends." Hey AC, can I get a remix? I can't pay you, but... !!!!!!!

That just kills me. Yes, I'm feeling hateful right now... Shit. I STILL haven't gotten paid from my last show in France. (Batofar) And I'm sick and tired of asking repeatedly, "hey dude... where's my fucking money?!" I don't ask like THAT, of course. But come on... This is the SAME trip where my fucking CAMERA got stolen, and I wound up playing to an empty club, due to being booked the same night Laurent Garnier was playing at Club Rex. To top things off, I basically came home empty-handed. That was the fucking start of my downhill decsent.

I'm spending my own money to press up DETREVOLUTION. And only God knows how I'm gonna make this happen. My royalty checks have been a joke, lately. Although it's nobody's fault for that -- I can't expect to live (like a king) from my own tunes FOREVER. So I knew it was a matter of time before those checks started to dwindle down. That's a simple solution. Make MORE RECORDS! I can do that. But if every other part of the circle was just as simple, I'd be GREAT! People talk to me about P&D (Pressing and Distribution) deals. Mind you, I have a "name." I make good records. But these fucking companies are a JOKE!!! "Vinyl sales are kinda slow, and we can't afford to take on any new labels..." And that's just one of many excuses I've heard. I wouldn't be pissed, if people would just stop dangling carrots in my face! Stop telling me that I can have a P&D deal, only to back out later.

You know, I was even willing to let Wallshaker Music become an affiliate label of ********. But I'm sure you know about the crazy contracts they tried to offer me. And what happened when I tried ASKING for what I wanted/deserved? Silence. Poof... They're unavailable. Aaron who? Fuck those muthafuckas for treating me like a second-class recording artist. Fuck them for trying to steal every ounce of publishing I own. FUCK them for dangling carrots in my face, only to pull back the carrot and laugh at me for taking the bait.

My mind is racing right now. While I don't blame other people for my problems, I DO acknowledge that I wouldn't have many of these problems if I weren't so dependent on OTHER people to act right.

I'm gonna say a big prayer tonight. Then I'm going to bed. Lord, it's all in your hands now. I can't do this...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Beginning of the Evolution

Sometimes you just wake up and say, "fuck it... it's time for a change." For me, today was one of those days. Mind you, I spent most of today in bed. Lord knows I needed the rest -- especially after all the drama I had to deal with lately...

I got another e-mail from my friend in Brazil -- he's been trying to book me for some shows out there. All I have to do is send him a mix CD. Isn't that funny? That's ALL I have to do, and bam... BRAZIL!!! What the fuck is taking me so long to do this CD? Even my new booking agent (Judy S.) called me recently, to politely remind me to send HER a mix CD. And I still haven't done it. Bad Aaron! As hard as it is to get good gigs out here, I've got people securing me dates -- all I have to do is take an hour out of my day and make a mix CD?! And it's not fucking DONE YET?! That's just plain stupidity. ...Or maybe it's just me realizing that I've been focusing on too much bullshit lately.

Which brings me to today... My brother David called me -- probably wanting me to drive him to get his car, that Mommy paid $900 to get out of the impound. I didn't even answer the phone. My girl Kelli called me this morning as well. While I didn't ignore her, I practically fought to keep myself awake during her conversation. No she didn't bore me. I was just focused on other things, like rejuvenating my spirit.

My birthday is the 19th. I'll be 32. Damn, I can't believe it... 32! With as much death as I've witnessed lately, I actually feel lucky to be alive. So alright... 32. What am I gonna do? Well, for starters, I'm seriously losing this fucking weight. I've already bought this "total gym" for my basement, the same weekend that Luther Vandross died. (His death scared me into being healthy!) I haven't regularly started to use the machine YET. It's just sitting here, collecting dust. But enough of that... Time to get my ass up ON this machine and lose some weight. What's my weight loss goal? 100 pounds. Yeah, I said it. 100 damn pounds. Instead of trying some crash diet, I'm gonna simply work for a weight loss goal of 2 pounds per week. That gives me an entire year to reach my goal. So at 33, I'll be FREE!!! :-) So 32, that's my "work" year. Yeah... that sounds good. AC's Workout Year.

I was talking earlier about inspiration... I just finished writing this song -- which of course is going on my "Detrevolution" album, which is STILL set for release in September -- it may be Sept. 30, but it will be September!!! I've not only promised the world, but I promised myself. But this song is called "Liberation." It's about -- well, those who know me will know EXACTLY who it's about. (Hint.... it's an EX -- but not an ex-boyfriend...) I'll sing the vocals tomorrow morning -- right now, I'll finish the music.

Actually, I'll get this mix CD done also tonight -- Kelli gave me her newest record, and I wanna feature it on the mix.

TTFN...
AC

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

The D Word, Part 2...

That damn stretch of I-94, from Detroit to Jackson... OH MY! It sure was nice to see Jay after all these years. And given the circumstances, he didn't look bad at all. I also got to see his family again -- neices and nephews, sister, mother... It was almost like "old times." But I tried not to let my emotions get in the way of anything. After all, I was there to support Jay. He wanted to see the boys, and of course I couldn't deny him that.

I came home and checked my forum (aaroncarl.com), after feeling guilty for not posting in so long. Some idiot, dubbed "Al Queda", leaves this message:

Yo AC watch your back you gender bender. Where we gonna blow up next/???/?

Now you KNOW I don't play that shit... Talk more tomorrow. I REALLY need to make this damn mix CD, and produce some more songs. Now that I have inspiration...

AC

The D Word...

Yesterday was nothing short of DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!!! Not only did I not get to bed until 3 a.m. that morning, my phone rings at 6:25 a.m... My MOTHER calls to tell that David (my brother) is in jail. He got arrested for drunk driving, and I had to go bail him out! You know, I was a total zombie when I got out of the bed -- didn't really do my hair, nothing... It was awful. So by the time I got to my mother's house, I found out that the police station wouldn't release David until noon.

Oh great... And Stefan's 11th birthday (my oldest son) was the same day... What a fucking way to start the day.

Anyway... my mother gave me the money to get David out of jail -- sometimes I wonder about her bleeding heart. She'll curse you out, but she'll still come through for you. Gotta love her for that... Now I had to spend nearly the entire afternoon, waiting for the police to "process" David's paperwork, etc. At around 2:45, David finally walks out of jail. I was so embarrassed for him. We still had to get his car out of the impound -- which after going back and forth from the impound to the police station, we found out that the car wasn't impounded after all -- it was SEIZED!

Granted, it was David's second offense for OWI -- Operating While Intoxicated. But damn! Did they have to throw the "book" at him for it? They also charged him for having tinted windows, as well as failure to stop in a driveway. What bullshit! But still... His car is GONE. They wouldn't even let him get his personal belongings from the car! At that moment, I remembered just how "dirty" the police could actually be. Fuck yeah, I've been pulled over for no damn reason -- and while I would be pissed about it, what could I do? If I reported it, it would be MY word vs. theirs -- and John Cougar Mellencamp said it best: "I fight authority, authority always wins..."

But then again, it's all about money too... Sure, for $900, David could make an out-of-court settlement, to get his car back. First of all, David's broke as shit. If ANYONE has to pay this $900, it's gonna be Mommy. And from what I hear, she's going to pay for the car today! I hope David finds a way to repay her quickly!!!

I said I was gonna call Mommy and see how she was feeling, but I could already imagine. She's hurt. She's hurt that her 27 year-old son hasn't left the nest. He's too scared to take care of his own self... And why should he? His beer, his baby mamas... His so-called friends (who are more like followers, if you ask me)... David's got it made in the shade. Doesn't have to pay Mommy a dime for rent. Doesn't help out with anything -- she'll call ME! She'll have ME drive from MY house, to help her with HER shit -- while David's either asleep, or flat-out refuses to do anything. And of course, like a sucker, I do it. Like my mother, I'll curse and scream, but I always come through in the end... Go fucking figure.

I'll write more later -- I have to drive out to Jackson today to see Jay (my ex-boyfriend...). Jay recently had a stroke -- which was odd as hell, for a 28 y/o skinny guy! His blood vessels broke in his left eye, causing him to permamently lose 30% of his vision in that eye. He also has a lesion on his brain, which right now, they're debating whether or not to operate on it. If they do surgery, Jay only has a 40% chance of making it out alive. 40 percent! However, if he DOESN'T have the surgery, he'll gradually get worse, become paralyzed, blinded, blah blah blah...

Now Jay's saying his "last goodbyes." He's writing letters to the people he cares about. I'm so afraid for him. I couldn't imagine having to deal with that choice, or even KNOWING I was going to die. So I'm taking the kids out there to see him. I'll see him. I don't know how I'll handle this, but we'll see.

AC

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Intro

I've blogged before, but this time I'm taking it seriously...

There's something to be said about a person who bears his soul to the world. While I've always been good at writing, I'm sitting here now in a state of shock. Wow. A blog. What exactly do I write about? How much should I reveal? Is it possible to say too much? And if I do, will it help me, or will it hurt me? I guess the saying is true, "nothing ventured, nothing gained." Maybe I'll gain some sanity from all of this. Who knows?

So, hello. I'm Aaron-Carl. Yes, that's my first and middle name -- although nobody really calls me "Aaron." It's kinda like Macy Gray... Or Chaka Khan... to say "Macy" or "Chaka" by itself, just doesn't feel right. At least not to me. It's just "Aaron-Carl." Or AC. Aw, fuck it. Call me what u want.

So you may be wondering, what exactly ARE my revelations? Lately, I've been seriously questioning the meaning of life -- especially mine. Why am I here? What am I DOING here? What am I doing to make my life "worth living?"

Sometimes I'm just not this damn serious. Sometimes I'm downright goofy. You'll come to see many different sides to me -- I'm not crazy. We ALL have them... But then again, maybe I am... Because I see things in a much different way than others -- or so it seems.

Alright... Here goes. I'm holding my eyes shut, saying a little prayer, and I'm taking the plunge into BLOG world.

Follow me on my journey...
AC